Does This Lesbian Sex Dream Make Me Look Gay?

My subconscious apparently loves vagina.

Oct 8, 2012 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

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Lately, I haven't been sleeping very well. I've moved to a new house in a new city, and I always have trouble adjusting to a new bedroom. But on the occasions that I am able to fall asleep, I find myself having the most wondrous dreams. And quite often, they are dreams of naked ladies doing sex to me! Me, a mostly straight person! What can it mean? Let us explore the possibilities.

Now, it's easy to say, "Hey Sara, you are obviously a total secret gay or at least a bi who cannot own her truth." In fact, this is probably the assumption I'd make if an ostensibly straight chick told me she was always having dreams about doing it with girls (particularly if she protested that she would never ever ever get down with a lady in real life.) But I've never claimed to be the straightest gal in the world -– at least, not since I was a homophobic Catholic youth. (I was! I thought gays just needed to not have sex ever!)

And I have gone all the way with persons who have magic boxes instead of magic wands. Yes, I've studied the ladyflower in an up close and personal fashion. It made me feel like a better feminist, because making a lady come is like the biggest jewel in the womynist crown, and it earns you a special place in Women's Studies Heaven with Bella Abzug and Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

What it did not do was make me feel like a lesbian, a lady who really and truly loves other ladies in the deep romantic way. I felt like an honored guest in a foreign realm, who despite her mastery of the local language and dialect is still just a visitor. 

Anyway, I tried it a few times. These were on the whole enjoyable adventures with cool chicks. But I kept getting the nagging feeling that something was missing. Once I realized that "something" was a wang attached to a dude, I figured I ought to stop "experimenting" with other people's lives and feelings. So I did.

None of this backstory quite explains why I keep having dreams about ladies. Or why, since I was a kid, I've mostly only had sex dreams about ladies. I'm floating a few theories –- let me know which one makes the most sense to you.

1. Ladies are just inherently hotter than dudes. My subconscious ain't dumb. It knows boobs are hot. Weens are just sort of weird looking, and don't even get me started on balls. While my awake self prefers dong, my sleepytime self has an artist's aesthetic appreciation for the female form. Entirely possible!

2. I just haven't given ladies enough of a try. You know how you have to take the entire course of antibiotics to make sure they really work? Um, maybe I just didn't take the whole girlsex thing far enough. Maybe I showed insufficient devotion to the Sapphic arts and prematurely wrote it off as "not for me" when it is in fact SO TOTALLY FOR ME. Maybe!

3. I am a self-hating repressed lesbian. I don't know -– I think I'm pretty rad, and if I am gay, I don't really have many reasons to suppress it. It's not like I'm married or something, and I don't have a boyfriend. My parents have already accepted that I've casually dated women in the past, and I know they'd be kind to whomever I brought home, even if it freaked them out at first. I'm a comedian and a writer, and both of these professions are home to many a same sex-oriented lady, so it's not like I'd lose my job. I live in Los Angeles, which is home to every possible variety of lesbian, including the elusive yet wholly enchanting butch goth Mexican skater boi, so there is no shortage of acceptance and opportunity here. Hmm –- the self-hating repressed lesbian theory doesn't hold water.

4. I need more female friends in my life, and my dreams of ladysex actually represent a desire for spiritual and emotional communion with women. Could be true! I don't get out much, other than to do stand-up.

5. Sexuality is a spectrum, and gender is a construct, and I am neither all one thing nor all another thing, and I'm certainly not a 50/50 bisexual, and the realm of the subconscious is a place where the mind roams free and unshackled, a land of many possibilities that might or might not ever make sense in reality. This explanation is nuanced and sensible and therefore boring, but it is probably correct.

Since I don't have health insurance, your armchair psychoanalysis is the only kind I can afford. I invite you to bringeth it on. But before you draw your conclusion, journalistic honor compels me to disclose the following things:

1. I have only ever been in love with men. Well, some of them were boys. Not when I was an adult! I mean, every guy I've ever gone out with, regardless of whether it was love or lust or both, has been age-appropriate. Except for the college junior I went out with a few times last winter, but COME ON YOU GUYS IT'S A FUN STORY. I'm 31 and on birth control, ladies be pimps too, etc.

2. Even though I am pretty sure I am not gay enough to get married to a lady, I would still marry Salma Hayek. This is just important information.

All right, comments time. Please analyze my brain/vag and also tell me your numero uno all-time celebrity lady crush, if you have one (and I'm convinced every girl does.) Thank you, folks.