Dear Miss Quiver - the eternal masturbation conundrum edition

Sometimes the issue at hand is not so much 'how on earth do I go about whooshing my scatterbasket?', but 'where precisely can I find the space and trajectory to wangle it?'
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Sometimes the issue at hand is not so much 'how on earth do I go about whooshing my scatterbasket?', but 'where precisely can I find the space and trajectory to wangle it?'

miss-quiver

'I once had a very boring job where it amused me greatly, when boredom levels peaked, to pop off to the lavatory and facilitate a deliciously dangerous and, by necessity, stupendously speedy hand-shandy.'

Dear Miss Quiver,

Where is the best place to masturbate?

Four Fingers Fi

Ah yes indeed. Sometimes the issue at hand is not so much 'how on earth do I go about whooshing my scatterbasket?', but 'where precisely can I find the space and trajectory to wangle it?' [A conundrum our fearless leader Jane has also been faced with from time to time --Rebecca]. Fear not, dear Fi (and readers)! I’ve done the research and these are the top three most exciting places to crack one off the wrist…

1. In the loos at workI once had a very boring job where it amused me greatly, when boredom levels peaked, to pop off to the lavatory and facilitate a deliciously dangerous and, by necessity, stupendously speedy hand-shandy.

I found leaning against the wall the easiest method (they were saloon doors – I blocked the telltale gap with a large fashion holdall).

Don’t make the beginner’s mistake of going back to your desk with an “orgasm rash” festooning your décolletage, it may over excite the IT department.

2. With a friendWhen it comes to treating yourself to a jolly good kerfuffle, sometimes sharing is caring. Showing a lover - or a friend - exactly how you give your Gerty a good going over can be instructional as well as add a certain frisson to the proceedings – which, let’s face it, can become humdrum after several hundred thousand goes.

The secret to this method is getting comfortable - in bed in your usual pose or vigorously lathered up in the bath are my faves.

If your cohort is the sporting type, ask him or her to call out encouraging phrases. “Come on Brenda you can do it.” “Look, you’re almost there!” and “Oh yes, that’s the nubbin!” all work well.

3. Laying on the floor when the window cleaner is at work on your houseCan he see me from there? I don’t know. Maybe he can make out that I’m lying on the carpet, but can’t really see what I’m doing. He might think I’m just having a lie down – in the middle of the day – and vibrating gently. Can he see me? Can he see my arm moving up and down. Can he hear the buzzing? I swear he just peered in then. Maybe he’ll open the window and oh oh oh oh oh force his way into the living room ahahahaaahaaaaa your squeedgy is soaking haaah ah ah ahhhh. Job done.

Good luck with it,

MISS QUIVER 

Got a question for our agony aunt and fountain of enlightened knowledge? Ask Miss Quiver on Twitter @dearmissquiver