I'm back in full-swing online dating because hey, why not. At the very least you meet some other people who also breathe and function as human beings on the planet. It's wonderful to have so much in common.
But as I've written about, something in dating that I find comes up again and again is this: I'm exceptionally wildly unusually tall. Six-feet-two.
So that happened. That exists in the world.
It's all irrelevant in some ways. I mean, instead of a 6'2" white blonde female from San Diego who got a journalism degree from Northwestern I might also be a 5'2" black brunette male from Minnesota who took a single semester of pre-med at Tulane and then dropped out.
Do you see what I'm getting at? I'm getting at: WHO GIVES A FUCKING FLYING SHIT FUCK.
We all have identifying characteristics. I lay it all out there in my dating profile on Match, and yesterday I took the plunge and joined OKCupid.
Here are some additional measurements not in my profile. I have a size 10 shoe. I am a C-cup but when I wear the Victoria's Secret Bombshell bra I'm a D. I have a barely visible scar I've had lasered off underneath my breasts from a very slight sternum excavatum surgery I had when I was 9. I've had a dysplastic nevus mole removed from my shoulder 20 years ago. My eyes are green. I dye my hair blonde, but it was naturally blonde when I was younger. This Friday will be my three-year-anniversary of sobriety. I lost my virginity at 15. I've never been to Paris. I got a 5 on the calculus AP exam my junior year of high school. I take 200 milligrams of Zoloft a day. When I really want to look my best, I shell out the $40 for brow waxing at Yanna's Herbal Beauty Salon but I suggest you ask for Helena who only works a few days a week because she is the best and can give you that perfect Angelina arch. I was in a single relationship from 20 to 30, and I haven't talked to him in years but I talk to his sister almost weekly. I have trouble going to bed before 2 a.m. I am a Scorpio.
I could probably add all these additional details to my dating profile, and I would still, I guarantee you get a few of these messages a week: "Are you really 6'2"? LOL." "Wish I was taller. LOL." "Damn I'd have to see it to believe it. Do you date shorter guys? LOL."
Here's all you need to know, and this goes for any person you may want to ask out:
Just ask him or her out.
Just ask, already.
Forgot all these questions. She'll say no, or she won't.
Know what's sexy? Confidence, baby.
Just fucking ask her out.
If someone does have height requirements (or any other kind of requirements) and you don't fit them, then they will say no. Or they will not answer. Or they will blow you off. Or they will make up an excuse to leave within the hour after meeting you in person.
Honestly, who cares?
Get in the game. Enough with these jagoff "Hey," "Hi there," "Hello, beautiful" throwaway messages followed -- at least if you're me -- with all those height questions.
Just ask a bitch out, straight up. Or ask to talk on the phone, or whatever. Action, action, action. Not bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Don't be one of those mindfuckers who tries to get you to be the one who asks him out. Step up. Lay it out there. Give it your best shot.
Rejection is way better than never trying at all. And many women have zero height requirements.
Sure, as Emily pointed out last week, some women definitely do have height requirements. But don't throw out the baby with the bathwater, dudes.
Although, I think I need to give a little advice. And that is this:
I do tend to start making judgments based on the stupid shit people say. Like all the examples above of messages -- like, "LOL I wish I was taller."
Really with that shit?
Or, I'm also not a fan when people seem to have a condescending ingratiating I'm-giving-you-permission type attitude when they say, "I'm absolutely OK with your height."
That makes me want to morph into my most castrating self: "Oh, thank you. I'm so glad. Because if you weren't then I would absolutely do whatever I could to alter myself so that you would be okay with it. That's my No. 1 priority, Mr. Online Dater."
Yeah, I know, I have issues when it comes to this shit. And I can be hella bitchy and reactionary. I guess my dumb assumption is that we start off with the idea that neither of us needs to give one another "OK"-ness about anything.
Some guy recently repeatedly told me he was "OK with" my writing. Well, gosh. Thanks! Because I would stop doing what I do or alter it so that it would be to your liking, my sweet. Bullet dodged! Now can I get you some kind of beverage so you can finish going through the checklist and let me know how I measure up elsewhere? How do you take your coffee?
Honestly, dudes, the best game to run with a woman you actually like is to compliment and be authentically kind and lovely to her. (And be genuine, obviously. I'm not advocating this move if you don't actually feel these things. If you don't -- then probably date someone you do feel these things about.)
Like the writing example (or even the height), tell me if you like it. Just saying, "I'm OK with it," is the equivalent of saying to a comic after he gets offstage, "Yeah, I saw you." Worst thing to say ever.
Have an opinion. Have a nice flattering opinion if you are actually trying to get in good with someone and making an effort. And if you aren't trying to get in good, I don't have interest in that. And many other savvy women don't either.
What -- am I supposed to be so turned on by your slight but barely there interest that I will somehow want to fuck some marginal interest into you? Is that how that theory goes?
So here are my 5 best suggestions for how to treat a woman taller than you if you are concerned about it in the realm of dating.
1) Unless someone says they have an issue, don't assume that they do.
Many people will specify it. Not specified? They probably don't have a problem. So don't make it one.
2) Focus on someone's attributes that aren't so shallow as what they measure if you were to lay them out on a measuring tape.
I mean if you dig someone's picture and the profile, go for it. Shoot a message. Talk on the phone. Plan a date or don't. But just keep it light and not "You seem to have appropriately child-bearing hips but I don't know if your height matches my perfect woman" level of superficial grossness.
3) Your height (if you are taller than me) is not some gift to me, and I'm not looking for your blessing on what I wear or how I look.
"How would it feel to finally be able to wear heels?" one tall dude messaged me once. Ugh. I can wear heels whenever the fuck I want, genius. Again, I don't need your fucking permission.
4) Because rejection does suck and because people do have certain physical standards, I get it -- it's awesome to lay it out there.
But don't do it as your initial approach. It's just so shallow and one-note. After we talked on the phone for a bit, I had a guy recently tell me his height to make sure I was okay with it -- and honestly, that seems a smart way to handle that. I get it. A lot of women really do care. I said I was chill. He said he was chill. Nice.
5) I know so many women who are taller than the guys they date.
They look great together. I'd love it if people just approached a person they were interested in by reaching out TO THE PERSON -- not the physical characteristic. That's all you have to do. Assume that if the person has not specified requirements of what they are looking for then they are open to you. If YOU are the one who is not open to a taller woman, then cool. That's your bag and go deal with that and hit on women who you actually are interested in. See? Everybody wins.
Also, bonus points for NOT saying: "It's all the same when you are lying down," and "You seem worth the climb."
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.