I always tell my friends who are obsessing over their love lives: "Look back on your past relationships or crushes. Have you ever felt crazy over someone before? Because I sure have. And when I look back now, I don't even think about that person anymore. It passes. It always does. Just keep those old crushes in mind now."
But I've never had this kind of vivid humiliating proof to point to before.
But now... Check it!
An actual mortifying diary entry over "Roger." A guy I met my freshman year at Northwestern and managed to change a drunken near-sexual-encounter, a shared cigarette and a hug into The One. Oh yeah. And I have pages and pages of where this came from. I'll spare you the entirety.
Seriously, though, holy crap was I nuts. And deluded. So. Fucking. Deluded.
I look back, read this and it makes me so happy to realize what a nutjob I was. Going on and on and ON about how much a drunken hug symbolized that I had "something" with this guy.
So read this horror show of a diary entry below if you want to be consoled. Because no matter how hung up you are over someone right now (and there's no way you were as bad as me), it passes. Whatever obsession you're feeling about someone right now -- trust me, it passes.
And if that doesn't comfort you, at least know that you weren't as far gone down the rabbit hole as I was.
Enjoy. (And God bless you, "Roger," wherever you are.)
*All names have been changed. Oh, boy, have they.
Roger, Roger, Roger. I wonder if that will even mean anything to me a year -- a month from now.
I'm just thinking over all the events of last night because I can't live in the past in terms of our intimacy that one drunken night.
He hugged me before I left. He had a cigarette with me outside. That must mean he cares. Why is that so important? He hugged me slow and close and it had to have meant that we were at least friends. I just have to keep having fun with myself and who I am. I can be or do ANYTHING.
Nobody here knows about my insecurities. Well, Roger does. But Roger -- cares? Shit, I can't do anything about him. As much as I want, he's not going to embrace me and tell I'm the one.
But shit, I can freely go down into his room and sit down and hang with them. And if that feels awkward or unwelcoming or lame, I'll just react accordingly -- so fuck this shit. This is lame. Guys suck.
So what else? I guess I just need to think of the hug when I'm feeling down. The hug that says it all.
Was he disappointed I didn't see him tonight? Then that means that he worries. He's looking out for me in his silly little way.
The hug was slow and ginger. Like a kiss. Like a friendship.
Like he cared. And he does. And if he doesn't, will I ever get over it? Will I be desperately and ultimately bummed?
Hmm. No? No. I won't be. I've survived the assholes of the world. I have and I will.
But is he one?
Well, I'm just going to (1) think of the hug to make me happy when I'm feeling bad about him. (2) Not worry about ever seeing him again. (3) When I do see him, I'll just have fun with him the way I want and know that if I lose him as a friend or person, things just weren't meant to work out. Nope. (4) Have fun with who I am and the person I'm becoming. (5) Not worry about what others think. (6) Think of "Amanda" when I'm feeling down. He calls me Amanda. He introduces me as Amanda. It's never seemed like it fit so well before. (7) Not worry about every fucking interaction I have with Roger that I fucking have. Fuck, dude.
Hey you know what it is? All the bullshit gets washed away when we hug. Washed away like the wind -- like a summer's breeze.
Hmm. So many emotions. I'm really stoked on this motherfucker of a diary.
Roger. You know, it's cool. I couldn't get him out of my head before and I still kind of can't but now it's a positive thing. A good fucking vibe.
I guess there's a lot of good and bad in Roger. Mostly good. And he keeps coming back for more.
I guess I'll just finish on the note of Roger. You know what I was just thinking, though? Roger and I are buds. We almost had sex. He gives me long, tender hugs and walks into the cold night and cares about me and what else?
I guess I'll just repeat myself for the millionth time in talking about Roger. I'll say something about last night. I wonder if he was at all tempted to take advantage of me. I hadn't really thought about it that much until right now but guess what? He'd like to.
And he's told me so much about his life. Himself. He was staring at me at lunch.
And you know what? It doesn't matter if I make more out of everything than it is. Because I'm definitely in control of the situation. Definitely.
So anyway. Roger. I wonder if he's thinking of me at all.
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.