They all hate me because they send me a bunch of stuff and it takes me foreeeever to actually review any of it. And the reason is that a) For a lot of these products it takes two to tango, and "Hey, let's try out this wacky gadget!" is actually a less successful come-on than you might think and b) I have to try them on my own time, since I can't exactly try out vibrators in the office like I can lip tattoos and booty Spanx.
Or ... can I? I'm intoxicated by a dream in which I can get my sex toying done during my 9 to 5, because really, who wants to take work home with them, even when that work is masturbation?
So I decided that I would, in a manner that is obviously completely appropriate, try out this remote control vibrator during the work day and that I would, again completely appropriately, give the remote control to my boss, Jane Pratt.
The Club Vibe 2.OH (get it?), which rapidly became known around the office as the "in-da-club vibe" is actually a music-driven vibrator that will bzzz you to the bumpin bass beats on your local dance floor.
Because I am a sober hermit who spends most Saturday nights feeling existentially lonely and freaking my mom out with the stuff I put on Twitter (I didn't know you were reading it, Mom, I'm sorry!), the closest I get to da club is viewing R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" for the millionth time. So we decided to test out the vibe's OTHER feature, which is the remote control mode.
I went into the office bathroom and put on the (cute, if snug on my FUPA) panties, sliding the vibe into a little pocket on the front. All panties, by the way, should have little pockets like this for your condoms and snacks.
Then I sauntered oh-so-casually out into general office area and asked Olivia to take a picture of Jane holding the remote. Once they found out I was actually wearing the vibe, however, total chaos ensued, as Cat and Jane seriously had a grab fight over the remote control.
Perhaps you two ladies should think about why you're soooo desperate to stimulate my clitoris, hmmm?
Luckily, they were too stupid excited to actually figure out how to work the thing, so they only managed to vibe me in sporadic bursts. (In the Emily McCombs school of writing, anything can be a verb.)
It really could be a bit more intuitive. I tried to use it on the train on the way home but ended up futiley pushing buttons for the whole ride. I'm seriously lucky no alert American tackled me as a suspected terrorist. Or are we all unlucky that apparently you can spend a whole train ride trying to detonate a sex toy without anyone interfering?
What I think I finally figured out was that the vibe piece (the one in your drawers) automatically goes off after 30 minutes of disuse. So you have to reactivate it by putting your hand up your skirt and hitting the button, which could get awkward, but not really more awkward than letting your boss try to bring you to orgasm.
Just kidding! At no point was I actually in danger of having an orgasm, or I would have been all like "STOP! Ahhhhh, STOP!" like dudes do when they're about to ejaculate after like 2 seconds of tonguing.
I eventually went back to my office and left the remote with Jane, who remembered to use it approximately twice before the novelty wore off and she left me sitting around with a lump of a dead vibrator in my panties.
When it was going, it was actually a quite pleasant way to spend the afternoon, typing at my laptop with a buzz on. Like blogging from the top of a washing machine.
The problem is that the noise of this thing would prohibit you from ever really using it discreetly outside of a club-like atmosphere. Observe:
Although a lot of times after I review things I'm left feeling like, "That was fun, but who would actually buy this with their own money?", I actually really do think the remote control thing could be a sexy time. Not necessarily to go out with, but imagine giving oral while your partner controls the speed and pressure of the vibrator pressed against your clit. I like!
Now let's get on this panty pockets idea -- email your favorite underwear manufacturer today!