I Learned How To Give Great BJs At Christian College

My four years in Christian college left me with 40,000 dollars worth of student loan debt (let’s make you more like Jesus: super poor!), an intact hymen, and blowjob skills to die for.

Jan 9, 2013 at 1:30pm | Leave a comment

After high school, I went a little nutty-religious and decided to go to a college with a name straight from the Bible. This decision would greatly impact all of my future sexual liaisons, although I didn’t realize it at the time.

My four years in Christian college left me with 40,000 dollars worth of student loan debt (let’s make you more like Jesus: super poor!), an intact hymen, and blowjob skills to die for. 

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My incredibly racy senior dorm room, where absolutely zero action happened.

When it comes to the differences between Christian college and a public university, there are many. Besides the ludicrous tuition costs, we signed an agreement during Freshman Orientation in which we promised to abstain from drugs, alcohol and porn. We weren’t even allowed R-rated movies in our dorm rooms.

Unlike many young men and women, I sought higher education with very little carnal knowledge. Shy and quiet, I never had the varsity jock boyfriend. Or any boyfriend for that matter.

Being surrounded by “helpful” advisors and mentors did not make sensual discovery easy. The college I went to imposed rules on the students to “guide” them, rules like no blanketing (or sharing a blanket with a member of the opposite sex), no pornographic materials (they blocked Victoria Secret on our campus Internet), and no drinking even after turning 21. Sometimes it felt like I was being strangled by my Bible belt.

I was determined for this naivete not to follow me to the hallowed halls of Christian college. But I was also determined to keep my golden vagina, well, golden and not let any priapic object inside. So I did what any fine upstanding Christian lady does, and I let my mouth do the talking and the sucking.

I found my first boyfriend while on a volunteer trip a whole week into my freshman year and we set out to blow-rnicate.

The first difference between university blowjobs and Christian blowjobs is the lack of privacy. No boys allowed in the female dorms and vice versa. Nosy RAs would peek their heads in every time co-gender socializing was allowed, which was only during a set time period during the weekend.

Trying to covertly give a handjob while you juggle a slew of curious roommates and resident advisors checking up on you and reminding you to “make room for Jesus” can be difficult. Students at major universities have privacy and freedom. We only had our longing, which was displayed by fervent handholding in chapel (a pseudo-church service we were required to attend three times a week).

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Satan may have been stoking the flames of lust, but we didn’t care.

Another difference is the hair. As a virginal and oblivious girlfriend, it took me at least a year before I thought to trim things down south. It was no better in his pants -- and the best part is that I never thought to question it! The first time I went down on a non-Christian boy I was shocked to discover he shaved. In my perplexed state, I even resorted to texting my younger brother to see if this was a normal thing for college-aged boys. He assured me it was.

People define sex differently, and many say that oral sex counts seeing as it has the word “sex” in its name. For a lot of Christians, though, as long as no penetration occurred, everything is OK. (Not all though -- one extremely hot guy on campus, with an equally attractive girlfriend, saved even his first kiss for his wedding day.)

A Christian relationship is like a lot like a normal relationship, only it’s moving in slow motion. We drag foreplay out like Silly Putty. First, kissing closed mouth. The nervous discussion about tongue-kissing. The slow transition to making out, heavy petting.

So instead of a few dates, or a few months of foreplay culminating in sexual release, my boyfriend got three-and-a-half years of foreplay followed by an MSN Messenger break-up. 

Couples that had never dated anyone else pranced down the alter after a few months of dating so they could fuck righteously before the Lord, only to divorce shortly thereafter when the looming threat of “forever” seemed too great a cross to bear. When a relationship failed, the offending partner usually said, “God doesn’t want us to date.” Never mind free will -- the almighty Yahweh became every relationship’s scapegoat.

Surrounded by other Christians, though, even as everyone admits they are “flawed,” no one wants to show those flaws. Girls don’t admit to each other that they masturbate or fool around with their boyfriends. I would admit to doing some minor wrong (“Oh yeah, we love to make out, probably too much.”), but never went in-depth with my sins. You were only allowed to really admit your worst sins when you were ready to repent, or had already repented, making them a non-issue. 

After the not-so-tragic break-up with my Christian boyfriend, I went on to explore my sexuality with carefully chosen partners. And while I only slept-slept with one (I like-liked him), the others enjoyed my excellent Christian college skills, especially when I would assume prayer pose.

When it comes to blowjob skills, the proof is in the pudding (which may be the grossest way to describe being talented at having a sexual organ in your mouth). But the few partners I’ve had since breaking up with my poor, poor Christian college boyfriend have all complimented my skills.

Choosing the college that is right for you is obviously important, and in my mind, I made the wrong decision.

My (possibly misguided) impression of women at larger universities as compared to my school is this: they are wild, we are reserved; they are open to experimenting, often with many different partners, we are confined to one relationship; they can be more honest about their sexual and social endeavors, we have to be secretive.

Transparency is an especially difficult concept for me; I’m battling the Madonna complex in my own mind. I want to appear pure but behind closed doors I want to be kinky. I don't think that enjoying my God-given sexuality is wrong, but in the judging eyes of my community, it is difficult to embrace my true self.

So maybe I'll always be a two-faced former virgin, but at least I give damn good blowjobs.