I'll Try Anything Once: Chippendales!

I am putting this article in the sex category, but I want you to know right now that the Chippendales have NOTHING to do with sex.

Jan 27, 2012 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

 I am putting this article in the sex category, but I want you to know right now that the Chippendales have NOTHING to do with sex. They're like the Teletubbies of sex. Like the sanitized black kid on a Disney show.

Are you getting how unaffected anyone's vagina is by their sexiness?

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In case you still don't believe me, at one point the Chippendales rap in a manner similar to that Fruity Pebbles commercial from the 90s. Think: "When I say Chippen, you say Dale!"

Did your genitals just recoil?

I find it inherently unfair in the manner of bachelor vs. bachelorette parties. One is debauchorous, raunchy and vaguely dangerous. The other involves singing and dancing and penis-shaped products that you wear about your person. Women can accidentally kill a hooker TOO, you know!

But way back when Olivia and I decided to attend the Chippendales show in Las Vegas FOR AN ARTICLE (and noted as such on my expense report, please reimburse), I didn't know what to expect.

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I have to admit, my excitement rose as we followed two everymoms up the escalator in expectation of all the hot beefcake that would soon be waving their junk near our faces.

The description from the website said only: "Billed as "The Ultimate Girls Night Out," the men of Chippendales The Show use song, dance, striptease and body butter to play out an array of female fantasies."

Actually, I'm feeling a bit cheated right now, because I don't remember any explicit use of body butter.

Here we are outside the theater:

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And look, I'm an OG straight-up chubby chaser from way back, but that doesn't mean I won't mount a giant wall of muscle men in a public space.

We had arrived first-day-of-school early, so we had some time to kill in the gift shop, which was glorious.

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When we finally got into the theater, we found we had pretty sweet seats, in the back at our own little booth. There were tables, but we were devastated to find out there were no foodstuffs to be had at all.

"I guess it's just tubesteak for us," Olivia said sadly.

 Dressed-up ladies ready for action started to filter in to the tables in front of us, ordering their fruity cocktails. There were at least 3 separate bachelorette parties and some birthdays.

The show opened with a montage of the Chipps in popular culture -- on the Ellen show, the famous SNL sketch with Chris Farley, etc. At this point I attempted to snap one picture, of the stage. 

We had been told not to take pictures when we came in, but like ... casually. Not that if we did, a Gestapo-like agent of Chippendales would come running over to yell at us.

"DID YOU JUST TAKE A PICTURE? YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DELETE THAT PICTURE," he barked, forcing me to flip through my iPhone photos to show him that I had not in fact, gotten an illicit picture of the Chippendales.

"PUT IT AWAY. IF I CATCH YOU ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KICK YOU OUT."

Can you imagine the humiliation of being kicked out of Chippendales? I put it away, but like all formerly nerdy children, I was rattled for at least half an hour by "getting in trouble."

 Since I don't have any pictures, let me describe for you what the show was like. It's basically a Broadway musical, in which the Chippendales "sing" and dance in unison, with lots of moves where they jerk off various objects, pelvic thrust, and slowly hump things. I cannot stress enough how much humping there is in this show. If a song includes a lyric like "Harder," watch out! The moves are going to get suggestive. They also rip their shirts off and throw them into the audience a lot.

I am sort of pissed that there's singing at all -- female strippers never sing. Is this really what they think women find sexy? I wouldn't be suprised if the big finale was a dude doing the dishes or changing a diaper or something.

They dress up like soldiers, cops, firefighters, etc. The Chippendales dancers have every profession, like Barbie. My favorite is when they're vampires, because I like that they are keeping up with the trends.

They bring women up on stage to humiliate them in dating-game type scenarios, which they seem to love. One woman is forced to hump the stage -- another has to give a lap dance to a dancer.

Like 90 percent of the numbers end with the Chipps naked but holding a hat over their penises. Olivia and I take to yelling, "SHOW US YOUR PENIS!" although truthfully, I'd be surprised if they had them. I imagine them looking like Ken dolls with smooth, rounded-over genitals or painted-on underwear.

 Because again, the Chippendales show has as much to do with sex as The Producers has to do with genocide. Don't get me wrong; it's fun! It's just not sexy. I literally got more turned on at the buffet.

I mean, even the idea that all women are going to be into this one ideal physical type in various shades and hairstyles -- I just don't think we're that easy. Sure, you throw a skinny chick with big boobs into as schoolgirl outfit on a stage, like 90 percent of men are going to get a boner, but female sexuality tends to be a bit more nuanced and individual than that.

Although at one point, when the Chipps came out into the audience to dance with women, one of them "freaked" on Olivia and she verified that she could indeed feel his penis in her buttcrack. She also seemed to like it, so maybe that part was a little sexy.

Either way, we were definitely first in line after the show to get our pictures taken in a hogpile of Chippendales. It cost 20 freaking dollars, which I did not try to expense, because it is definitely for personal use.

I'm doing that thing where you put all your weight on your knees so someone won't know how heavy you are.

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Olivia tried to stage-direct hers, but they were basically like, "Just sit down."

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Worth. every. penny.