My life with David* was a surprise. I had returned from a six-month stint in Osaka, Japan, to my small-town family home just out of Sydney, Australia. All my energy was focused on how I would get back to Japan -- my life was there; all I had to do was graduate. When David offered to buy me a drink one night, I told him "My conversation is free -- I’ll buy my own drinks." He liked that. Independence had always been my jam, even in relationships.
We started dating and I went from ass-kicking to love sick in four days flat. Wanting to hear from him all the time, to know he was interested, that I was valued. From someone who didn’t care about marriage to thinking constantly about my imaginary future children and what I would cook for my man that night.
I quietly shelved my dreams of returning to Osaka for the white picket fence. All this time I was waiting, hinting, wondering when he would pop the question.
We were in my late grandfathers’ home one night when David told me to close my eyes and he led me to the lounge. I could see the warmth of candles glowing behind my shut eyelids and all of a sudden, I was filled with a mix of "YES! It’s happening!" and a gut feeling that said "I don’t want this."
Opening my eyes to the man I loved on one knee, ring in hand, I knew that the only answer was "yes." I couldn’t afford to lose my dream life with my dream man, but I was utterly bewildered by this nagging feeling and worse, it wouldn’t go away.
Let's just say that if you have major doubts about being engaged, you probably shouldn't be. I'm not talking about your standard nervousness; I mean debilitating, undermining doubt.
My ideas about marriage made me beyond uncomfortable. I was outright scared. From the price-per-head to musing over what makes a "good wife," I was afraid. Without ever planning to, I set about sabotaging the whole thing, the very thing I had wanted...and one day, didn't want any more.
I realized that my whole world was based on him. I had put aside my plans for myself to force myself into an identity I didn’t fit, all in the hope of impressing him enough to stay. Sure, he stayed, but I was directionless and depressed, jumping from one shaky job to another and running myself into the ground trying to make a meaningful life. He wanted a support person, I wanted to blaze trails. I didn’t know how to reconcile my values with who I had become. Slowly, I began to resent him for it.
One day David told me "This should be enough for you." It wasn’t, and I utterly despised the arrogance that dripped from that comment -- that a good man should be enough for a woman.
The last straw came when I asked him to visit Osaka for a week with me. I was meeting up with my best girl. She lived halfway across the world from me, and she needed to get out of Missouri after a string of bad luck. My soul was exhausted, and this girl was my conduit to the me I had lost. At that moment, nothing was more important to me. He wouldn’t come, but he was vicious when I suggested I go alone. My blood boiled. I went anyway.
I called off the engagement before the relationship ended. I took my fears to mean that it wasn't the right time yet. He put on a brave face and said that was okay. But, dear reader, pro tip: If you end your engagement, you will hurt the other person. Even if you love them. Even if you still think you'll marry them one day. While you're saying "I'm not ready for this," they may hear "I'm not ready for you," and, wait for it, they may leave.
I spent a long time trying to reconcile my thirst for freedom and adventure with the image of domesticity that marriage presented me. I began to seriously wish I was "free."
Then it ended, he moved out, and I was. I didn't know what to do with all that space. I was lonely and doubly afraid. That’s what happens when you wrap your self-worth up in someone else and then they’re not there. I knew I had to set about recovering, so here's what I did.
- I cried. I cried at home. I cried at work. I cried on the treadmill. I had so many feelings.
- I banned love songs and negative self-talk. I was so frequently bubbling with rejection and rage and unspoken hurt, I didn't need to wield those two oh-so popular weapons.
- I lived day to day. I couldn't cope with this "no plans" business without someone to fill the space (he was my plan), so I just disengaged and took each day as it came. Until I saw cheap flights and then I made plans...
- ...and caught planes. Lots of them. It was lonely and beautiful and I could then cry in planes, too.
- I rebounded. The first post-breakup kiss made my stomach flip. I thought I was going to be sick. Next tip: If your body says it's wrong, listen up!
- I travelled more. I walked more. I cried less.
- I made new friendships and re-learned that I wasn't totally wretched and unlovable. I was just hurt.
There were setbacks -- phone calls that I sincerely regret making –- made in part to get him back, in part to punish him for leaving me. If he was going to break my heart I wasn’t going to make it comfortable for him. Still, I wouldn’t hear other people speak badly of him and publicly I kept a straight face, the whole while trying to grasp onto some idea of what on earth I had done. Last tip: Don't make that call, you'll regret it. Even if you think they deserve it, it’s self-deprecating and will do nothing good for your morale.
My recovery meant a million references to the "stages of grieving" and I realized that they really don't work in a linear way. You'll think you're all healed up and then you're a total mess again. Grief and rejection are vicious jerks and they will wear you out. And occasionally they are more powerful than memory, fact and rationality.
"One day it will be okay" was my mantra. And one day it was okay.
The biggest thing I learned in this roller coaster is the value of listening to myself, knowing what is right for me and the importance of having the courage to act on that intuition. To grow my personal capital before I bank on someone else. And to honour that voice that says "Something's wrong." It's better to listen up than to find yourself Googling "trapped and unhappy" in ten years.
It was close... and weddings still make me that little bit uncomfortable.
*Not actually called David, obvs.