Three weeks after my partner left me (again. for good.) I really couldn't deal. I wrote this then.
When the tidal wave of loss, shame, rejection, and anger hits, it feels like there are a million tiny spikes driving into my flesh and my heart was compressed so tightly that I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. There are mornings when I cry on the street when I'm walking my dog, the disappointment and loneliness is so intense. I feel mentally ill.
I'm not going to lie and say I feel super strong and ready to move on because my desires are healthy and I deserve to be loved. No, right now I'd probably go back to that woman in a second, even though I wasn't valued as an equal in our relationship, and she admits she didn't want to make me/us a priority. Still, this manifesto is a statement of intent to myself and to the loved ones I've sent it to, and it helps steer me back to a semblance of functionality.
I will not torment myself with music, food, clothing, smells, or places that remind me of her.
I will not stalk her on facebook, gchat, gmail, ichat, skype, etc.
I will not try to inject myself into her life under false pretenses.
I will protect the dignity of our inherent affinity for each other.
I will not trash talk her to my friends or family.
I will not try to get her to have sex with me. (OK, except maybe one more time. NO.)
I will not try to make her jealous.
I will take care of myself.
I will do my best to keep a regular sleeping schedule.
I will let myself feel the loss, pain, anger and sadness, and seek out healthy sources of strength to support me with these emotions.
- breathing exercises
- yoga, going for a walk, or other exercise
- spacing out on TV or watching a movie
- talking or hanging out with a good, kind friend or family member who has my best interests at heart
- spending time with a child or animal
- organizing something
- giving myself a makeover
- playing a game
I will be kind and gentle to myself.