I'm Only Into Like 3 Sexual Positions

I don't like to bang in any position I couldn't conceivably fall asleep in.

Aug 15, 2013 at 1:30pm | Leave a comment

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Is this a position? 

If there's one area in which I'm fairly confident in my abilities, it's the genital area. As Corynne said after watching this video of me deepthroating a banana the other day, "I can't even imagine how good in bed you are. It's like staring into the face of the sun." I'm sorry, I'm just good at sex! There are a lot of other things I'm NOT good at -- answering my email, saving money, playing instruments. (Just ask my mom about how much money she spent for guitar lessons so I could learn how to look really cool holding a guitar.)

Someone once told me that every Southern girl should know how to cook and screw, and we all know I suck at cooking. To compensate, I am a gleeful and enthusiastic participant in boning -- raw, uninhibited, dirty and enthusiastic about putting my hands and mouth in all manner of sketchy places.

Still, for all my self-proclaimed sexual prowess, there is one area where I am lacking and that is in the realm of sexual positions. I read about this couple who is working their way through the over 400 sexual positions of the Kama Sutra and I just felt like "Noooooooo WHY??!?!" That's like 397 too many sexual positions.

I feel like the handful of most popular sexual positions are the most popular for a reason -- they're the ones that work good. I like missionary position and doggystyle and all the variations thereof -- missionary with legs on shoulders, doggy on your stomach -- sometimes I'll even throw in something kind of fancy like a side entry or a reverse cowgirl.

But to be really really honest, the only time I ever want to be on top is if I just got my hair done. I know a lot of women who say it's the only way they get off, but I just feel so aimless up there. I'm never quite sure what to do. Do I bounce up and down? Thrust back and forth? Lean over? Sit up straight? Am I hurting you?

I always breathe a sigh of relief when I can hop off and go back to my rightful place of basically just laying there. I don't like to bang in any position I couldn't conceivably fall asleep in. Speaking of sleeping, is "Just finish wherever you want, I'm tired" a position? (I can't believe I started this post by saying I was good in bed.)

I guess in the end I'm just not that into athleticism in the bedroom, unless it's athleticism on my partner's part. If I wanted to do cardio or build up my thigh muscles or whatever I'd take a SPIN class. When I think about it, I'm not even really sure why dudes want to have sex so bad all the time, because it's soooo much work for them the whole time! If I had to do the dude's job during sex, I'd probably never bother.

And there's really nothing sexy to me about trying to "figure out" complicated positions like The Wheelbarrow or the Prone Tiger. It's sex, not a math problem! Carefully arranging yourself into a pretzel (while staring at your iPad, no less) seems like a real boner-killer. It's bad enough when we have to stop everything to get a condom. Now you want to play some weird game of sexual Twister?

I also don't really want sexual partners looking at my body from unvetted angles.

What's your favorite sexual position? Do you try a bunch of different stuff or stick mainly to the classics? I just remembered it's also really hot when the guy is standing up and I'm on the edge of the bed. Again, I get to lay down for that one. Sry so lazy, guys.