25 Sex Tips, and I Want 25 More From You Because That's What Friends Do

This list is hair scrunchie and melon free, I promise.

Dec 6, 2013 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

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Sex tip: Fake eyelashes, tanner and cheap costumes.

I worked pretty hard on these here sex tips. Please can we make it 1,000 long?

  1. Force yourself to be silent. It will heighten tension. You can try it both ways: Letting your partner in on the game or playing it secretly yourself.
  2. Teledildonics. It's a thing. You can now wear a vibrator that someone else is controlling. Bluetooth is pretty sexy, eh?
  3. Mirrors. Place the gaze near your bedroom or try a less conventional spot like pleasuring yourself (or pleasuring your partner) in the bathroom. Watch yourself, and watch your lover watch you.
  4. Sexting is passé. Mail an old-fashioned photo -- an incredibly erotic one -- and include a date and location to meet, preferably a hotel. When he arrives, let a trail of photos lead him to you, wearing the accoutrements in your private spread.
  5. Make it Halloween every day. Take your guy to the local costume shop. Let him pick out who you're going to be that night. I like Ricky's.
  6. Express yourself with lipstick. Take your favorite color and circle the parts on your body that want special attention. You're a work of art, dammit. Chocolate works, too.
  7. Go outdoors. Ooh baby it's a wide world and there are plenty of places where you probably won't get arrested for fooling around outside. Even if the two of you are just engaging in teasing and foreplay under a blanket, you will never look at a park the same way again.
  8. Recreate history. We all know the sordid details of Monica and Bill or JFK sneaking in Marilyn through the secret passageways. Act out the elements that turn you on.
  9. Take a vow of celibacy. Nothing heightens ecstasy like tension. Set a deadline that the two of you cannot have sex for an entire week. Anything else goes, but no sex. You'll be throbbing with desire in no time.
  10. Get naughty at a restaurant. Slip off your underwear while you're out together and hand it off underneath the table, or guide his hand under your skirt for an appetizer.
  11. Switch roles. Are you normally submissive? Go dom. Normally alpha? Time to bust out those handcuffs.
  12. Play hide and go seek with your body. Tell your lover that you are going to use a flashlight to shine a light where you want extra attention and adoration. The only rule of the game is he can't stop until you've moved the flashlight.
  13. Blindfolds are your friend. So are headphones. So are soft gags, made of panties. Play games with sensory deprivation.
  14. Truth or dare can be the ultimate fantasy. Be sure to stock up on props ahead of time: candle wax, feathers, strawberries, whipped cream, outfits, a video camera, sex dice, the role playing game "Let's Play Doctor." Hell, if you have an extra thousand or so purchase a Sybian. At the very least, it's a good excuse to splurge at Babeland ahead of time.
  15. Make the bedroom off limits. A stairwell, a secret room, the kitchen. This is your personal Lewis and Clark expedition. It's your job to claim the territory as your own.
  16. Ask for a 360-degree sexual review. Get feedback. Give it. This is how I learned to arch my back during sex, how a gag reflex is really just a state of mind and the importance of the perineum.
  17. When giving oral, treat your partner like the most delicious ice cream cone in the world. Not just any ice cream cone, but an ice cream cone that gives you life, power, courage, the ability to heal all of mankind. There's also the old water-in-the-mouth trick for maximizing visual appeal.
  18. Gift wrap yourself with a bow. For more fun, give little notes of how the present likes to be handled.
  19. Shower and bathe your significant other. Except you keep getting dirtier. Loofahs are fun.
  20. Make a little video. You can delete it after, but create the sex tape of the century, and it will probably require multiple takes.
  21. Play around with different lubricants. Consider giving coconut oil a try. Not only can it be incredibly healthy and beneficial, it can lead to an amazing experience in the bedroom. Just do your research, and make sure you play it safe in terms of condoms (they can slip off easier) and ensuring your flora stays balanced down there. Coconuts will forever turn you on when you smell them after.
  22. Groom your partner or let him do it to you. Have you ever been shaved or primped by your lover? You are his personal work of art.
  23. Praise every single inch. From head to toe, there is so much to worship. Give special attention to the areas usually neglected: from the underside of the big toe to the scalp that loves to be touched and caressed.
  24. Get rid of all distractions. Know how vacation sex can be the best? Minimize your clutter and optimize your sex. Save for candles. Cliche, but so lovely.
  25. Act out the scenes you see and love and constitute the fantasy highlight reel in your mind. We all have a favorite. A romance novel. A snippet of "9 & 1/2 Weeks." Don't let Hollywood have all the fun.

And...?

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