Submitting to a Man as a Consensual Sex Slave Doesn't Make Me Feel Like Less of a Feminist

I see no contradiction between being a feminist and enjoying being ordered around by my partner.
Avatar:
Anabelle Bernard Fournier
Author:
Publish date:
Social count:
510
I see no contradiction between being a feminist and enjoying being ordered around by my partner.

I wear my feminism on my sleeve. It's not something I'm shy about or avoid discussing with anyone who'll hear me. I believe that women should not be constantly examined and judged for their appearance; I believe that we deserve the same salary for the same work; I believe we shouldn't have to tolerate street harassment; I believe that rape culture exists.

And yet, when I'm alone with one of my partners, I gladly kneel at his feet and call him Sir.

One of the main feminist criticisms against BDSM is that it reinforces traditional gender roles and power imbalances.

Maybe that's how it looks on the outside, but my lived experience of it is completely different. First, gender has nothing to do with who bottoms and who tops; I know dominants of all genders. I also know submissives of all genders, and switches of all genders. Although my current partner is a man, I would happily submit to a woman if we had a connection (and I have done so in the past).

My desire to submit does not stem from the fact that my dominant is a man: it comes from the fact that he's dominant. Him having a penis is not important. Our connection is.

When it comes to power imbalances, again, it's a view from the outside. The power imbalance is more of a power exchange. I do not owe my dominant anything; I freely choose to give him what I want. Every piece of power he has over me, sexually and otherwise, is something we have discussed and negotiated at length. When he limits my drinking, it's because I told him he could; when he tells me how to groom or what to wear, it's because I want him to.

We start every negotiation from a position of equality. He does not believe that my submission is automatic just because I am a woman and/or a submissive. A person who believes this wouldn't get a second look from me, and most "dominants" who act as if every submissive and/or woman owes them something are quickly shamed out of the community. 

The gender of the person holding this doesn't matter.

The gender of the person holding this doesn't matter.

My feminism, the feminism I believe in, is based on choice and equality. And by choosing to submit to certain partners, I exercise that choice and empower myself. By becoming a slave, even for just a few hours every week, I give myself power — power to accept my desires, power to fulfill my fantasies, power to find partners who are compatible with me, power to find the kind of connection that I could only dream of if I remained in vanilla relationships. 

My submission is a choice that I make for myself, not because of my partners' gender, but rather because of my connection to them. When seen as a conscious choice between equals, BDSM never reinforces patriarchy; it actually subverts it.

Everywhere around me in the kink community, I see people being who they are despite the social expectations surrounding us: the big beefy guy who enjoys being spanked by young, small women; the transitioning woman wearing her favourite skimpy dress; the cisgender man who enjoys showing up in frilly panties and schoolgirl skirts.

In my experience, the kink space is the opposite of patriarchal. It's the opposite of conventional. It's one of the most subversive spaces I've ever been in. It subverts gender roles and power relationships; it subverts the idea that sexual acts happen only between committed monogamous partners; it highlights the recreational aspect of sex; it turns something that people tend take way too seriously into play.

And so, as a submissive kinkster, my feminism is reinforced, rather than weakened, by my participation in kinky relationships, kinky play, kink spaces. In it, I've rediscovered my queerness, empowered my sexuality, and met some of the best, most self-aware people I know. I see no contradiction between being a feminist and enjoying being ordered around by my partner.

And this is why I prefer dating kinksters. Kinksters spend a lot of time and energy thinking about power in relationships, about consent, and about free choice. They've all felt the sting of social disapproval when observing their own desires, whether it's a sadistic man who's afraid to hurt a willing bottom or the submissive woman who's worried about becoming a '50s-style housewife. But once they enter the kink community, they generally realize that their desires are OK, that their needs are valid, and that they are free to pursue their fulfillment as they wish, as long as it's with consenting partners.

A kinky life is a life that's deeply considered, based on consent and connection, and supported by a community. For me, it's the most feminist life I could ever live.