Ask Emily: My Boyfriend Can't Get Off From Intercourse

Yay! My first "Ask" question!

Jun 21, 2011 at 4:02pm | Leave a comment

Hey Emily!

I am the first person my boyfriend has been able to come inside. Before, the only way he could come would be to do it himself. When we first started dating, this really perplexed me and eventually I started taking it personally. I've been with a handful of guys so I knew this wasn't that normal. It was frustrating and a difficult journey but eventually I got him to come from me (handjobs,blowjobs, good, old-fashioned sex).

The only thing now is that if we have sex I have to be on top and make him come, he can't come by being the one doing the action. I'm not complaining, we have hot sex and really have great chemistry, but every once in a while I'd love for him to be pumping me hard and then come in me. I think the cause of his habits is both physical and mental. Just wanted to know your opinion on the subject!

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This is a pet issue of mine. A lot of guys pride themselves on not cumming during sex, which is nice. For about 20 minutes. After that, I am ready to just get it over with; My DVR is not clearing itself, you know?

This is why I'd rather be with a premature ejaculator than a guy who never cums. Maybe it's because I'm vain, but when my manfriend cums really quickly, I don't think "What a loser!" I think, "Damn, I'm good." My vagina is operating at maximum efficiency -- no lag time here!

It doesn't sound like your partner is trying to impress you with his stamina, but I tell you all this to say I understand why his inability to ejaculate would bother you. Ejaculation is a compliment. The guy is saying to you, "You are so incredibly hot that I am physically unable to contain myself." When things go wrong with either the erection or the orgasm, we often take it to mean that he isn't attracted to us. However, I doubt this has anything to do with you.

My first instinct is that your boyfriend might be masturbating too much. When you say the only way he can cum is to "do it himself," it makes me wonder if he is so used to the feel of his own hand that he can no longer get properly stimulated by the different feel of a vagina. I have been with guys with this issue. He may also have an overblown fear of accidentally impregnating you -- was there a scare in his past?Are you using condoms? (Condoms would be a whole other issue as they can be very desensitizing.)

I think you should ask him to try taking some time off from masturbation -- say, a week -- and see if that makes a difference in your sex life. Do it with him! In my experience, having to rely on one another to meet your sexual needs can really amp things up. If he isn't willing to try it, or you suspect he's cheating, he may actually be addicted to masturbation, in which case there's really nothing you can do to change things. You'll just have to decide if you're happy and willing to accept your sex life as is, or decide to move on.

I hope that helps! Send me more sex questions at emily@janepratt.com.

xo Emily