Ask Emily: How Can I Get Some In College?

"I am almost 18 years old and I have never even been kissed. I am extremely sexually frustrated."

Jul 22, 2011 at 4:02pm | Leave a comment

Hey Emily,
First let me give you some background information. I started masturbating when I was really little. When I was in middle school I started wanting more. I am almost 18 years old and I have never even been kissed. I am extremely sexually frustrated. I am about to go off the college with absolutely no experience. How can I navigate college and perhaps, get a little something?

I love all your advice and I find you so inspirational!

So you want to get some? You're in luck! Because getting laid is literally the easiest thing you will ever do! Seriously, on an ordered list of easy to difficult things, getting laid would be like number one, with "finding a pair of jeans that fits both your butt and your waist" and "eating just half of the pint of Ben and Jerry's" on the other end.

See, there's a lot about being a woman that blows, but one thing that's awesome about it that we can pretty much have sex whenever we want. Because boys, they are soooo easy. Your hardest job will be narrowing down the pretty much limitless selection, which is a real problem, since studies show it gets harder to make good choices the more options we have. THIS MUST BE WHY WE DATE ASSHOLES.

You might think I am being flip, but I'm actually dead serious. You could walk out onto the street right now and point at the guy you want and there's a 95 percent chance he'd be game. It's TRUE. As long as you approach the situation with confidence knowing that dudes will pretty much sleep with anyone. This morning I smiled at a guy on the subway and he gave me his card. It's like doing Kegels or something -- you just have to flex the muscle every now and again to keep it in good working order. And by God, woman, you're 18 -- you could practically slip in a puddle and fall on a willing penis.

So my advice to you is to think about what kind of person you're interested in bedding, seek that person out, then walk up to them and say "Hi." It's really just that easy. I like to think of it as God's gift to us, to make up for the fact that our genitals aren't really that intuitive.

And if you don't believe me, come to visit and I will wingwoman for you and show you how easy it is to talk to boys. And then later we can french braid each other's hair and watch eps of "Strangers with Candy" on DVD.  (I hope.)