Are Those Of You In LTRs Having Sex Twice a Week? Be Real With Me

I have a job, and I watch "American Idol." I don't have time for that much sex.

May 17, 2012 at 4:43pm | Leave a comment

image

I will stage anything for you.

Just so you know, being a sex writer is not all daisy chains and rainbow parties. You also have to put a lot of weird stuff in and near your vagina, and keep abreast of all the really important sex news. Like this survey from Yahoo Shine and Fitness Magazine, which is chockfull of such important "information" as the fact that women estimate their average sex session at 39 minutes and that nearly half of us get turned on most by hearing "I love you." (As we found out yesterday, they obviously don't know you sick perverts.)

But the tidbit that really floored me was the conclusion that couples who are married or living together have sex an average of 2.4 times a week. I'm not going to comment specifically on my relationship, but that seems ... ambitious to me.

I once had someone write and ask me if she should be concerned that she and her boyfriend were only having sex twice a week, whereas they used to have sex 3 to 5 times a day. And yeah, every couple is different and there's no right or wrong amount, but 3 to 5 times a day is fucking ridiculous.

I have a job, and I watch "American Idol." It's on like 7 times a week; I don't have time for that much sex. Plus, life is freaking exhausting. Have you ever been to the post office? It's the worst. And you have to do stuff like that all the time -- picking up prescriptions, returning phone calls ... I could take a nap right now, easy.

And like, how many times can you look at the same person's genitals anyway? I mean, if we're talking exciting new genitals, I could get down with a daily dose. But 2 times a week for a long-term couple? It's not that I don't want to have sex that much, but I want to save my income tax returns and sporadic freelance checks, and I still actually spend them on dresses and shoes.

And it's definitely not 39 minutes long. LTR sex is nothing if not efficient. You get really really good at orgasming your partner, like a bank robber who can crack a safe in 10 seconds flat blindfolded or whatever.

Maybe the numbers are skewed by all you frisky  year-and-under couples moving in together to save money in the poor economy? Or am I the only loser who's not getting any? Don't lie to me, slunts.