And The Very Best Handjob Lotion On Earth Award Goes To...

Johnson & Johnson is quite fitting, considering.

Aug 29, 2012 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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Girls and gays, I'm just going to give it to you straight-no chaser, because I don't believe in dilly-dallying when discussing dicks. The next time you hop on top to jack him off, make sure you have a bottle of Johnson & Johnson Baby Lotion handy (ha!). Oh, and baby wipes, of course.

Yes, I'm talking about the cheap $3.99 pink bottle. Yes, the same shit your mom rubbed all over you when you were a baby. Yes, the same shit I'm sure you'll rub all over your baby. RUB THAT SHIT ON HIS BABY. Why? Because it makes your hands and his schlong smell like babies, which I think is entirely appropriate since babies sort of come from penises, even though babies don't come from hand jobs -- unless y’all know something I don’t. (I’m talking to you, Virgin Mary. No judgments!) 

But that's just my opinion. I roped in a couple of more suggestions from my crazy go-to crew -- both of whom you'll be hearing much more from in the future:

OLM (remember him?): "If there's no time, we'll use whatever's closest to the bed. Don't give a fuck what it is -- grape jelly, Crisco, brown hair gel, whatever. But if I'm being picky? Lotion is that bullshit; it dries up too fast. Body oil is what's up! It's the lubricator that keeps on giving. Neutrogena Body Oil Light Sesame Formula ($9.99 at Neutrogena.com) is my favorite for hand jobby-jobs." 

(Well, this is awkward... I took OLM beauty shopping one day years ago and introduced him to this very oil, and he's raved about it ever since. Now I know why.)

DMW (remember her?): "Jergens Original Scent Cherry Almond Moisturizer ($5.59 at Drugstore.com) because the scent is so delicious and sweet. Plus it's cheap -- I re-fucking-fuse to use my good fancy shit on his ass. That's such a waste."

(Well, this is awkward, too... My grandmother used this lotion twice a day, every day for as long as I knew her. And now when I sniff this scent, I'll think of her, as well as DMW's husband's dick. Ick.)

And there you have it, my dear darlings. Do with it what you will. (Hopefully a multitude of dick rubs.) What's your hand job lube of choice?

Oh, and tell your husbands, boyfriends, and fuck buddies they can send their sincere hanks via Twitter to @IndiaJewelJax.