I can't quite figure out how to go about solving my "problem," but I'm hoping an unbiased outsider will be able to shed some new light on a problem I've been thinking about for a little while. About 5 months ago, I started casually hooking up with this guy. Over the months, our relationship has evolved past fuck-buddies and into a casual dating kind of thing.
We have talked about being "boyfriend and girlfriend," but decided against it. He has always seemed eager to keep me on the back burner (flirts with other girls in front of me at times, calls me a "friend" sometimes), but he has said me hooking up with someone else would bother him. I do not want to be anything more than casually dating and I know he doesn't either. On a scale of 1-10 of investment in the relationship I would say I'm at a 4.
Here's my dilemma, the past month or so he's been hanging out with a friend of his roommates more, which means I've seen this new guy around. This new guy is SO intriguing. I could be completely misreading the signs, but I actually sometimes feel like he might be interested in me. He's ALWAYS trying to make eye contact with me (talks to my "guy friend" but stares at me or I'll look over and he'll be looking at me....that kind of thing). I've tried to see if this is just the kind of person he is with everyone...it's not. We've seen each other out a couple times when I'm not with the original guy and this new guy is so attentive.
This new guy is my ideal man, the kind of guy I want to be with long term, but I have NO clue what to do in this situation. Everyone thinks I should go for it with the new guy, but I don't even know where to start! Do I try to ask him out? End it with the original guy? Forget about it all together? Would love your advice!
New Dude Old Dude Dilemma Darling.
Dear New Dude Old Dude Dilemma Darling,
So here is the thing. I kind of hate old guy. Keeping you on the back burner types are THE WORST kind. Seriously, I know real grown up people who have been simmering on that back burner of some jackass' stove for YEARS. It is a Magically DeDick-y move to continue any kind of romantic relationship with anyone who wants more with you when you KNOW that you do not want more with them. You also suck maggot snot if you are keeping them hangin on 'cause you MIGHT want more with them but only IF you can’t get it popping with your top burner boo.
If anyone reading this has been purposely or “unknowingly” keeping a “casual” romantic/sexual relationship going for these kind of selfish reasons, you need to do your back burner babe like Amistad and “Give us, us FREE”! Toying with people’s emotions is not what is hot in these relationship streets, son. The END.
The thought that he is flirting with other women around you and then calling you a “friend” when you are at a point in your relationship where you are offended by that annoys me. This coupled with the fact that he does all that and says he doesn’t want a relationship with you and THEN has the audacity to give you that sad puppy dog shit about how “you hooking up with someone else would bother him” makes Old Dude a prime candidate for SistaTV’s verbal virtual bitchslapping service. Only $19.99 per SLAP DOWN... Call me NOW!!!
Men and women who give you the "I don’t want you but don’t go hook up with someone who actually does want you 'cause that will give me the sads” speech are low down dirty DOGS. Because that speech, in any of its many forms, is manipulative dog speak for “I have pissed on you (aka MY TOY) to mark my territory and although I may not play with you again and/or care for you the way I know you want and deserve, I want you to have open availability for me in case I can’t find any better toys to play with.”
Un-uh girl, We don’t have time for THAT.
And while I know you said you don’t... Something about the way you described the situation makes me think that you have (had?) stronger feelings for Old Dude? Maybe you do really like him, but since he can at times be Cherchez Le Douche you’re want to break things off. But are you sort of going along with the more than fuck buddies but not boyfriend/girlfriend thing because eventually he might want more and you might be down for it? Then you would be settling for some dude you don’t really want because he kinda wants you and might act right and... uhhh NO. That's shitty to you and him.
The first rule of life according to SistaTV is don’t be shitty to yourself or anyone else. PERIOD.
I’m saying this because if it really is just about dropping this casual dating thing to hook up with someone who is showing interest that you describe as your “IDEAL MAN”...
What other clue do you need? I get that it won’t be a simple snap of the finger kind of thing but really there should be no hold up on dropping old guy zero to go for your new guy hero!
I mean, it's a bit messy since he is sort of friends with the new guy that is giving you the hot fire in your fanny feelings. I get that! It is awkward... but if this new guy is more of what you are looking for then I’m team respectfully tell everybody the truth about what you are feeling and what you would like to happen and see what happens from there.
The old guy might catch the good woman blues when you leave and try to get you back. But you don’t want him so there’s the answer to that one. Or he might throw an asshole tantrum and try to slut shame you for dating someone else within his extended circle. Or whatever other kind of reaction dumb dudes have when their “toys” are taken away from them. But then you REALLY don’t want him so you will just have to walk away with your fabulous head held high,
As for approaching the new guy, life is for the living, darling. The only way to know is to ask. You could be bold about it and walk right up to him and say: “You. Me. P in V. Yes?”
Or you could just talk to him more, be more assertive about your interest in him, and show him clearly that you want to be more than friends. Before you do any of that though, I would end things with the old guy COMPLETELY before I started with the new guy. Less mess.
Trust me, if you think New Guy is the ideal man for you to be in a healthy happy long term committed relationship with, you want LESS MESS. And at this point, Old Guy is MESS. I get that you and he are just casually dating and sex is fun but honoring your heart and going after what you really want (New Ideal Dude) not just what you got (Sorta shitty Old Dude) is so much more FUNNER. Even if things don’t work out with new Ideal Guy, getting clear about what you want and deserve and going after that is still the bees knees, my love. So hopefully that solved one of your 99 problems. Now remember..SistaTV Loves You... Now you love you and treat yourself like it!
Senam SistaTV Amegashie spends most of her time waiting for someone to give her a TV show, already! While waiting for that to happen you can find her sporadically blogging her life and solving all 99 of your Problems at SistaTV.com, @sistatv Tweeting, @sistaTV Facebooking, @sistaTv Instagramming, and making SistaTV Youtube videos. SistaTV loves you!