I was a horny little kid. I may not have understood what, exactly, the horniness was, but it existed and it was legion. The sexy-time thoughts ran through my brain, a tiny hormone-driven army of shirtless Kevin Sorbos.
Not that I would be getting any for a very long time. No, not remotely. I was a very late bloomer. The rest of my friends had a boyfriend by sixth grade. Me? I was earnestly sending Ewan McGregor requests for his autograph as though that would soothe the ache within me for which I believed there was no name.
As a pre-teen and early teenager, I didn’t quite understand what sex was. Penis goes into vagina, babies, girls have to wear tampons and men have wet dreams. These were some facts I knew. But though I was an imaginative tot, the lack of actual practical knowledge stymied my early attempts at getting freaky with myself. My brain was its own tasteful pan away to the fluttering white curtain.
I saw men and boys and cartoon animals (YOU TRY AND TELL ME YOU DIDN’T THINK THE FOX FROM ROBIN HOOD WAS FINE) in movies and on T.V. and imagined going on dates with them. Because I knew that dating was something you to do if you ever wanted to experience sex. These fantasy dates usually meant we got to eat T.V. dinners, which I had always wanted to try. Naturally, after T.V. dinners, having served our time, we’d have sex. But that’s where I hit a mental brick wall.
In my mind, sex involved being in a twin bed with someone you liked, preparing to put parts into other parts. So, you know, I wasn’t far off, technically speaking. But In my mind that twin bed was also located in the unseen-backroom on the set of T.V.’s "Cheers" for reasons I cannot rightly explain. Maybe it had to do with Woody Harrelson? In hindsight, this could be why I found it so difficult to watch "True Detective."
None of this prevented me from passionately falling in love. My most intense affairs were conducted with characters from books. Sure, as I got older that stayed a little bit the same. I may not have ever been a Mr. Darcy girl, but I was all about Mr. Rochester, if you feel me. But kids are weird, and I was a kid. My earliest fantasy bed partners are proof of this. Now as I’ve been getting my life back together and trying to dip a toe into the dating pool, I’ve started casually wondering if maybe I can trace the problems I’ve had with every relationship back to my uh, source material. Here are 7 of the weirdest:
1. Dickon from The Secret Garden
Mary Lennox might have been a crabby bitch (and she was) but she got one thing right -- Dickon was a total moor-dwelling babe. Dickon likes animals, teaching snotty girls about gardening, and being a damn fine piece of ass. The fact that Mary only let him into one of her secret gardens was always deeply disappointing to me. I’m not going to outright SAY I wrote many a sex scene for the two of them to share in my journal once upon a time...but I’m not going to not say either. Because I’m a pervert. Not a liar.
2. Peter from Foxtrot
If you don’t know it, Foxtrot is a cartoon by Bill Amend about a family doing family stuff. Peter is the oldest brother. He’s into sports, being vaguely goofy, and wooing his hot-ass blind girlfriend Denise. Touched myself often enough thinking about THIS ACTUAL DRAWING that I am surprised I did not join Denise in blindness. His younger brother was a precursor to Family Guy's Stewie. He's an evil genius named Jason who I have dated in real life approximately eight times.
3. Tigger from Winnie The Pooh
Was it the tail, the speech impediment, or the eyebrows? Probably a cunning combination of all three. I used to quietly believe that Eeyore and Tigger were probably having sex. In my mind, Eeyore wanted a committed monogamous relationship and Tigger wanted to get his pooh-sticks on with whoever happened to be nearby, ready, and willing. Bounce, bounce, y’all. It might be on the sexiest tragic love stories of our time -- untold until just now by me.
4. Pa from Little House on the Prairie
The dude was all chopping down trees for his family, and wearing bad-ass flannel shirts for real and sincere reasons! I dug how he could put his hands around Ma’s waist. I’d let him pick me up and put me back down again whenever he wanted. I liked his earnestness, his musicality, and his adventurous spirit. I also feel like if he ever showed up in modern Bushwick someone would give him a vegan empanada and he would be all “burn this place to the ground.” The post arson anger-sex would be dope.
5. Sherlock Holmes from ANYTHING
I was totally besotted by this withholding, drug-addled, emotionally deficient genius. I was pretty sure he was a virgin and that together we would study the arts of our genitals as well as deduction. The dude had boltholes all over London! You think he wouldn’t have one solely on reserve for liaisons sexuale? I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS TOO MUCH.
6. Boo Radley from To Kill a Mockingbird
The vagina wants what it wants. And mine wanted a Southern, tree-loving, recluse.
7. Calvin O’Keefe from A Wrinkle in Time
I know that eventually Meg figures it out, but the amount of time she wastes being all “that stupid basketball playing redhead,” and then being all “whatever he wouldn’t like me anyway” is exasperating. I want to whisk Calvin away on my tesseract and let him talk to me all about his troubled family life, and the hardships of being a ginger with a gift for hoops. I realize that because I am 30 this is creepy and weird. To that end, I also submit for your bang-consideration, the flying centaur -- because damned if that wouldn’t be magical as hell.