I actually want to write you back. Help me.
#1 You’re a Downward-Facing Douche
Your profile has three mentions about how big your dick is and concludes with the word “Namaste.” Is nothing sacred? Come on guys, let’s stop casually going around saying “namaste” -- save it for yoga. And don’t layer multiple flowy scarves around your neck unless you’re a drama teacher or Stevie Nicks.
#2 You’re a Dick Pic Rick
Don’t use my phone number to text me photos of your dick. The only time I get off on a dick pic is if there’s an a necklace from Tiffany’s balancing on it.
#3 You’re a Chatty Chad
You send me a bunch of OKCupid messages instead of just asking me on a date. Answering your endless questions feels like work, and I don’t need another job. You know what I do need? Another dinner. I’ll have plenty of time to answer all your questions there. If you’ve sent me more than five messages and haven’t asked me out, you’re wasting my time and yours. The reason people message back and forth is to get a face-to-face encounter that will hopefully lead to a genital encounter. I don’t need all this inbox clutter when I already get so many love letters in my actual mailbox and by love letters I mean a coupon for Souplantation.
#4 You’re 50 Shades of Vague
If I give you my phone number, it means I like you enough to date you so don’t use it to text me every few weeks a casual “how are you” or “hey there” or “sup.” Try thinking like a storyteller and saying something that moves the story forward such as, “Let’s go out, when are you available?” Continually saying the same thing with no results makes you seem lazy and/or ineffective. If you’re this timid with arranging a meeting I can’t imagine how lazy you’ll be in other areas. Girls like a guy who can take charge and make things happen and by making things happen I don’t mean semi-occasional salutations.
#5 You’re a Taken Bacon
Don’t act like you’re not. I saw your wedding photos in my Facebook news feed, and we’re not even FB friends! Don’t expect a text back from me unless I see photos of your divorce papers in my news feed. And subsequent photos of therapy sessions with you working through your cheating issues in my news feed. Don’t forget to tag your therapist and use a cool Instagram filter. Actually, even then I prob won’t text back because there’s no filter that can make you appear faithful or trustworthy.
#6 You’re a Text-Offender
The best way to get rid of stalkers is to not date them. If I give you my number and you send 20 messages in one day, ranging from “sup” to psycho, followed the next day with remorseful “let me make it up to you's” then obviously I have to block your number. Because I just say no to textual harassment. I don’t care if you were acting weird because you were on a bender, I just return to sender. And P.S. You’re the reason I rarely give my number out. Next time try sending a text instead of a Ted Talk.
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