Yes I'm Single, But I'm Not Going to Flirt With, Maul or Otherwise Pillage Your Boyfriend

I'm not a wild animal that's going to pursue any man she sees. We're not coyotes, he'll be fine.

Oct 30, 2013 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

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Sometimes I wear funny glasses for no reason. 

I feel like there is something weird going on lately when I'm around relationship girls. They're awkward, there's lots of side-eye, I tend to feel horrible even making conversation with the men with whom they're in relationships. Am I the only one that notices this?

I've noticed lately that relationship girls tend to territorially protect their boyfriends from me and my single girlfriends as if we're poised to attack. At what point did single women become birds of prey? Are we not just, you know, people?

As you know, I'm better with lists, so here's why those of you with partners shouldn't fear those of us without. Just the opposite really. I'd love to be friends with relationship girls, as I like to be friends with women in general, and I hope they'll see me as a potential friend, rather than a potential boyfriend sniper. 

1. He LIKES YOU.

He's your boyfriend. Presumably he really, really likes you! Hell, he might even love you! He's yours! Yay you! Not all men are ripe for the stealin'. My assumption (and correct me if I'm wrong), is that guys don't really have girlfriends unless they want to. He wants to be with you, hence I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to be with anyone else. This is awesome. Lets get a beer sometime and chat about how awesome it is. You can even bring your boyfriend. 

2. I Like You.

Whenever I meet a new woman, single or otherwise, I like to start out from a place of positivity. I presume when we meet that we'll be friends. Few women I've met lately have given me any reason to behave otherwise. In fact, no women have. Since I've moved to New York I've had the privilege of hanging out with some pretty cool gals. Hi friends! 

Because I like you, I'm not going to do anything bad to you. I'm not going to flirt with, maul, or otherwise pillage your boyfriend. First of all, it's un-sisterly, and I operate under the assumption that it's bad karma. Second, why is that the jumping off point? Why does my singleness also connote sinister intentions?

If I'm getting a beer at a bar and say so much as "excuse me" to the dude who is crowding the plate with his college athlete shoulders, his girlfriend clutches his arm and stares at me like she's a member of X-Men about to strike. I just want a beer. Calm yourself. 

3. Talking and flirting are actually different things.

I am allowed to speak to men, just as I am allowed to speak to women. My single status does not preclude me from carrying on conversations with heterosexual males. Those conversations do not indicate that I am interested in those men. I need this point to be understood. 

4. We're people, too.

Sometimes I feel like as a single woman, I lose my humanity. I'm seen as or thought of as this otherly being, not quite a woman, as if having a man in my life fully completes the process of becoming whole. I have all my parts, thank you. Nothing's missing. 

I'm a whole person, you needn't tilt your head to the side and say "Yeeeahhh, sorry" when you find out I'm single, and then point out your boyfriend across the room. I'm not diseased, or broken, or in any other pile just because I'm single. I'm really a person. I'm not a wild animal that's going to pursue any man she sees. We're not coyotes, he'll be fine. 

5. I only have one ulterior motive. 

If ever I have a sneaky reason for talking to or befriending your boyfriend, it's this: He has male friends. Single ones. And I want to meet them. Ooooh look how sneaky I am! I'm the devil!

Please do not hinder your boyfriend from befriending me, if for no other reason than you're about to get a fun new double-date partner, if you're lucky.