I get dating advice whether I want it or not. People assume that since I'm 31 and single something is "wrong" and they should try to help. Advice has ranged from the hilarious to the offensive, but I've heard one thing over and over again that has baffled me for long enough: "You're intimidating."
I am not a supermodel. I am not a high ranking political official. I am not an officer of the DEA. All the things qualities that strike me as "intimidating" are oddly absent from my resume. Why, then, do I scare the shit out of people, specifically single men?
Apparently, I have a strong personality. Yeah, I don't know what that means either. I'm guessing because I'm not "bubbly" or "peppy" those who are too lazy or lack creativity tossed me in that box so that they could have a box to toss me into. I am funny, I have wit, and after a lot of work as a kid, I am not shy. I am smart (kind of), and enjoy real conversations about things not on reality TV. I don't shrink, I don't vapidly flirt, and I have self confidence. Apparently, I am terrifying.
In response to the horror show of a personality I'm apparently putting out there, I'd like to share with those interested five reasons why I'm actually not scary at all. It's totally safe to date me, I promise! Read below. Or else. Kidding. Kind of.
Can't decide what you want for dinner? I know EXACTLY what I want for dinner. Bon appetite. It's rare I'll utter the phrase "whatever you want" with a coy smile and head tilt. You think it sounds cute now, but what about the 50th time you've heard it?
This isn't to say I don't compromise. I have a far better time when I know the person I'm with is having a blast, too. I'd rather see a movie we both kind of want to see than a movie I'm dying to see that you'll sleep through. I'll go to that movie alone later, thanks.
4. We'll actually fight less.
Speaking my mind in a calm, non-pissed manner actually leads to me having far fewer confrontations with people, romantic partners and beyond. I don't bottle my feelings for months on end until I snap, cracking your favorite record over my knee and hurling the pieces in your general direction.
Passive shit is for sissies. I won't set you up to fail, or to piss me off on purpose, just so I can say "I told you so" or "You're wrong." Ain't nobody got time for that. I take no pleasure in conflict, and much pleasure in compromise. Not shrinking into a corner will help us both in the long term.
3. I talk during sex.
Mom, skip this one. I don't "make love" under the covers with the lights off and Sade playing in the background. Let's fucking do this and have a good time while we're at it. I've got a lot to say on the matter, literally. It's a goddamn campaign speech in there. Want to know what I say? Date me.
When you get embarrassed if you accidentally head-butt me in the eye or heaven forbid have a moment of performance trouble (lots of you do, seriously y'all it's OK), I'm not going to make you feel bad about it. I'm going to laugh, grab you by the back of the neck and talk you through it. You should feel comfortable with me during sex, because I feel comfortable with you, or you never would have made it this far. Let's have fun.
2. Strength isn't scary.
My personality is not going to eat you. It's going to challenge you, and make you laugh, and have a great time with you. All that stuff you say you want? This is how you get it. You think you want it. You fill your online dating profiles with demands for women who can "keep you on [your] toes" but in truth, you write most of those off as "crazy" or "a mess" a month later.
Want something lasting, that challenges you in a positive way? That makes the best parts of you come out and dance? Date someone with a personality that compliments your own. That makes you laugh, and think, and wonder what else there is waiting in this smokin' hot personality for you.
1. Strength is sexy.
Want to date a meek, quiet, yes girl? Go ahead. Call me in a week when you're bored. You won't be scared, but you won't be enamored either. Sit among the piles of US Weekly and Bebe clothing in her apartment and drink a glass of her white wine while she finishes getting ready. I'm already ready, and I have bourbon waiting.
It seems as if the men I meet want to have it both ways. They want confidence, but not strength. Charm, but not wit. Passive traits have never been my bag, and I love that about myself. The thing that does scare me is that I might be scary to others. What if my personality puts people off, when it's just the natural way I behave? I don't want to scare you away, but I still want to be myself. Oh shit.
In truth. I like my strong personality. It works as an excellent filter. Scared of me? Awesome. Stay scared, I wouldn't want to date you anyway. Brave? Confident? Six feet tall with blonde hair and glasses? Call me.