After feeling lost and alone in my online dating journey, I wrote this story. Then, thanks to all of you, I discovered I have travel companions. Now, I'm curious. I've discovered more forehead-slapping profiles on OkCupid and the like, and I'm again wondering if these are messengers sent to thwart me in my dating efforts, or if we're all dealing with the same frustrations.
Note, this speaks to those of us using online dating in order to pursue and possibly begin a relationship. I realize lots of people use online dating for other purposes, and that's certainly their right. I am not one of them. I'm hoping to hold hands with someone and maybe go to a movie. If you're hoping to have a threesome, rock on.
Here now I describe five more completely unavailable guys I've met on OkCupid, in an effort to seek safety in numbers and quiet my own dating worries. I thank you in advance for making me feel less alone, crazy, and damned.
1) The PenPal:
A wizard with words. So engaging, witty, funny, it's almost as if I'm sitting next to him at a bar over $3 drafts shooting the shit. But I'm not, I'm sitting on my couch with a glass of red wine and a cat digging her claws into my stomach.
I suggest we meet for a drink. His response asks me if I've seen "Breaking Bad." I try again in a coy (or what I think passes for coy) manner. "Why don't we meet at that cafe on your corner you've been emailing me about for a day." Nothing. After email number five, I'm done, I'm drunk, and my stomach hurts.
What is wrong with you? Email after email, banter after banter, not even a hint of wanting to meet in person. I already feel like I date my laptop, and I'm ready to break up. It's time to date a human, thanks. After two, maybe three emails, if we don't have plans to grab a drink, I'm gone. The only person I care to email back and forth this much with is like, my aunt.
2) Incredibly Specific & Demanding Man:
Want to swallow a heaping spoonful of "You're not good enough"? Read his profile! I clearly don't work out enough (4-5 time per week please), read enough (she needs to have an impressive non fiction collection), or travel enough (if you've never been to Cambodia, we won't get along) for this man.
It's as if he's building his dream woman via Mad Libs. My favorite part is when I get to the to-do list of physical and mental attributes required in order to date him. Sexy, confident, intelligent, makes him laugh, comfortable in her own skin, independent, a lady, looks amazing in high heels. Honey, we all want to date Emma Stone, she's taken.
I email him and tell him to [verb] about how he might be single because he's a little too [adjective] for online dating.
3) The Flaneur:
He spent some time in Spain, and then France. A month or two in Africa. He's got more Masters Degrees than the graduating class at Yale. He just left a position in corporate America because it was unfulfilling. Right now he's figuring things out and reading a lot.
He likes to see where life takes him. Today, life takes him to my blocked list. If he can't pick a city/career/appetizer, I doubt he can pick a girl to date long-term, either.
I've heard it called "perpetual adolescence." I call it total crap. Be a grown up. Get a job. It's kind of amazing being a grown-ass adult. Those who wander are not date-able.
4) Fulfill My Fantasy Man:
Recently single. Great job. Handsome-ish. Loves to hike. (OMG I love to hike, too!). Moved to New York to be closer to his five nieces and obviously his parents. The first three dates are so promising I have to resist the urge to call my mother.
Date four reveals all. He's comfortable/drunk enough to reveal to me that the reason he's newly single is that his wife was reluctant to fulfill his sexual fantasy. He's looking for someone who will let him watch her have sex with someone else. I'd rather have dental work done.
Buddy, you could have told me this on date one and saved us both a lot of time and calories. I get that some men view online dating as a virtual grocery store for satisfying various cravings. No big deal. But come on out with it! Don't create this dating scenario only to sledgehammer it down with the truth. There are other websites for what you're looking for, and good grief I hope you find it. I am not your sex therapist, I'm 31 and I'd like to get married someday.
5) The Temp:
These bitches annoy me more than breadcrumbs in butter. This is a take on the classic online dating faux pax (lying), and really applying a master stroke.
Profile suggests time spent in another city, a wonderful part of his life. So happy to be in New York, the city is so exciting. Nothing more specific than that. Current residential city listed as NYC. Hey, I live in Brooklyn, that works! Two hours into a wonderful date, once he realizes he's revealed too much, "Oh, yeah, I'm only here for three months, was that not clear in my profile?" It sure as shit wasn't!
This story is totally true, and if you're reading this, yes fucker it's about you, and you're not allowed to do this to women, OK?
To pull the wool over the eyes of a seasoned online dating veteran such as myself is something quite impressive. One sentence. You left out one sentence. "I'm only in town for three months, I'd love to meet some new people while I'm here." We get it! You're a Temp! You want to get laid in New York City! So do lots of girls! They'll email you! It's OK! But you lie to one of US, and your ass ends up on xoJane. Enjoy your stay in New York.