5 Advanced Tips for Sexual Ninjas

Do not try these at home, unless you want to get married.

Jun 1, 2011 at 4:02pm | Leave a comment

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I realize "sluttiness" has negative connotations for a lot of us, especially those of who had C cups in the 5th grade and may or may not have given our first b-job in a car outside our friend's 14th birthday party while the guy's friends banged on the window and laughed.

But while sluttiness is usually aquainted with low self-esteem or a lack of agency in your own sexual choices, to me sluttiness is all about willingness to experiement, lack of inhibitions and joyfulness in sex play. You can be slutty within the confines of a monogamous relationship! In fact, I recommend it.

That said, these are not sex tips for the faint of heart. This is some next-level slut stuff here, hard-earned through years of apprenticeship and study. This stuff is for high priestesses of erotic voodoo, carnal carnivores, sex ninjas. Yes, sex ninjas.

Warning: Use of these tips may result in slut panic, which is what unenlightened men sometimes get when the nice girl they're having sex with busts out a move they last saw in the porno they jerked off to the night before. Real men know that it's beautiful when a woman loves him enough to act a straight freak.

1. Put your finger in his butt.

Or on his butt. You can actually get away with just putting your finger in the general vicinity of his butt, say, on his taint. You can also use do this when you're just tired and your leg is starting to cramp and you want him to hurry up and finish already. Just touch his butt! He will like it, I swear.

2.  Go straight for the balls.

Licking balls in general is kind of a slut move, but going straight for the balls is next level because it makes it seem like it's just something you do every day, real casual. Like, "This is my starting point, you don't even wanna see me end it."

3. Have an imaginary threesome.

"You know what I've always (never) fantasized about? You, me and another girl. If she was here, right now, I'd...(bunch of stuff girls with long press-on nails do to each other in porno, ouch!). And you could (bunch of stuff he's not athletic/creative/flexible enough to do). Wouldn't that be ho -- Oh, you're done?"

4. Beg for a facial.

I don't know how explicit I can be here, so let's pretend I am talking about the pointy-stick-and-shoulder-massage kind of facial. Tell him how much you'd love for him to buy you a big, fat spa gift certificate and give it to you in a timely manner. This is like a combination lock for his penis. Feel free to dart out of the way at the last second.

5. Call him Daddy.

I know, it creeps some people out. Look, all this is obviously on a want-to-do basis. Nobody's gonna tie you down and make you say weird stuff (unless that's part of the deal.) But I have found in my years of experience that a well-timed "Daddy" is the equivalent of throwing lighter fluid on a bonfire. If it's wrong, it makes me feel right. Always.

(BTW, I tried to think of a better analogy than "lighter fluid on a bonfire" for like 10 minutes and came up with nothing -- suggestions for something funnier will be appreciated and substituted into the text.)

What are your can't-miss slutty sex tips?