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Two things I love are sex and technology. I think 99% of 20-something women can agree that sex and technology are two things which vastly improve one’s quality of life. But while they say two wrongs don’t make a right, two rights almost certainly can make a big fat wrong.
Nowhere is this more evident than on the app store. One thing making the internet right now is the addition of Glance, an app made by Glassholes for Glassholes who want to watch themselves boning while wearing Google Glass. The X-rated DIY horror film can either be saved to your phone or deleted in a self-conscious freakout after you’ve experienced the glory of thrusting into your own O-face. And it’s not the first time horny app developers have royally cocked up. Here are the 10 apps making us fear for the future of sex.
1. Google GlanceThere’s checking out your vulva in a hand-held mirror, then there’s having sex while watching your own face redden and grow seven chins. Call me a bad feminist, but I just don’t want to be this familiar with my body.
2. SpreadsheetsBoardroom-meets-bedroom is a very tricky line. Sexy secretaries, I think we all agree, can be hot. Especially sexy male secretaries. But recording your sexual duration, decimal peak, and TPM (thrusts per minute) on a digital spreadsheet isn’t just really fucking creepy — it’s pointless. If you’re shooting for personal bests, don’t involve your poor partner. Louder is definitely not always better.
3. PassionFinally, an app that silently judges you while you bone! If you’ve always wished sex was a little more like the worst parts of high school, this is the app for you. But as Gizmodo points out, the app unfortunately does not automatically dock you 5 points for using it in the first place, making it completely inaccurate.
4. Good2GoThis Tough Mudder obstacle course of sex apps has praiseworthy purpose: trying to prevent non-consensual sex. But in practice it’s the most annoying app since the math problem alarm clock. Good2Go makes you ask a series of questions about your age, intoxication level, and whether you consent before it gives you license to do the dirty, but the entire process takes around four minutes. That’s longer than most people spend on foreplay. Shockingly, it’s no longer on the app store.
5. 3nderTinder’s creepier cousin, 3nder, also set itself an admirable goal: making threesomes even more awkward than they already are. From the app itself: “I will connect you wtih open-minded couples and singles with mutual lifestyle and desires.” Let’s be real — if you’re treading the sexually and emotionally complex waters of a threesome, you should probably have the balls to do it in real life.
6. WingmanThink of this one like the Tinder for air travel. While I don’t in theory have a problem with the idea of joining the mile high club, I do want membership limited to those sitting in business class or flying on half-full planes. People hogging the economy bathroom stall deserve no sympathy when their airborne boning backfires and they’re stuck sitting behind that person for another five hours. Also, if you’re limited to people who have agreed to pay $30.95 for in-flight wifi, pickings are going to be slim.
7. Pocket GirlfriendThis app isn’t just stupid — it’s incredibly offensive. Pocket girlfriend doesn’t appear to know how to wear a shirt, but she does know how to piss off 99% of the female population. Her conversation is limited to demeaning remarks including, “It’s important for me to stay in shape, but I would never make you go to the gym,” “Why would I want to talk about my feelings?” and “Let me iron that for you.”
9. Crowd PilotTo me the only thing more terrifying than a bad first date is having other people listen in on your bad first date. But that’s precisely the premise of Crowd Pilot, which will livestream your awkward audio to friends or total strangers, who can then suggest things to do or say next. Unfortunately there’s probably no smooth comeback you can segue into when your date accuses you of illegally broadcasting what’s supposed to be a confidential discussion.
10. Sock-itEver wanted to hang a sock on your doorknob to warn your roommates of sex taking place but didn’t want to separate it from its twin? Nope, never had this problem either, but Chlorox made an app for it anyway. I’m using the word “roommates” here because I refuse to believe this is for letting your parents know your bonking schedule.
Reprinted with permission from Styleite. Want more?