I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been on OKCupid for a long-ass time. (OK, maybe I’m sliiiiiiightly ashamed to admit it, but whatever, admitting it anyway.)
Before that, I was on Nerve Personals for equally as long (-ass). So it’s fair to say I’ve had a few spins around the proverbial Internet dating block. And I’ve heard more than my fair share of –- let’s be frank –- weird, crazy dudes' weird, crazy bullshit. (And yes, I'm sure women are equally guilty of the dating bullshit act –- actually, Scientific American claims that more than 90 percent of people lie in their Internet dating profiles! I’m not surprised, but still -- yikes.)
Here are some of the more creative (?) expressions I’ve encountered from OKC dudes, along with a handy BS-to-English translation, JUST FOR YOU. Some of these are from guys’ profiles, some are from messages they wrote directly to me. (Disclaimer: This is a silly round-up done in fun -- I'm actually pretty open-minded when it comes to who I’ll entertain the idea of going on a date with.)
1. BS-ey Dude Expression: “I’m looking for a woman who takes care of herself.”
Translation: “Be skinny. Or else.”
2. BS-ey Dude Expression: "Thanks so much for the message. You made me smile. :)You’re definitely cute, but I’m a pretty skinny guy so I just have to ask you this terrible question: how much do you weigh? :)”
Translation: “SKINNY OR NOTHING, BITCH!” (P.S. Yes, someone really sent that to me. Yes, I told him off.)
3. BS-ey Dude Expression: “My creative passions run the gamut from painting to writing to woodworking to live comedy.”
Translation: “I’m an Adderall addict with 6,023 ‘passions’ because I can’t focus on any one thing for longer than 3 minutes because like I said Adderall and um ADHD and I like flitting from pursuit to pursuit and lady to lady like I’m shopping at a mall to find something that might fit or look good on me so yeah um LADIES BEWARE!!!1”
4. BS-ey Dude Expression: “Wow lots of equipment."
5. BS-ey Dude Expression: “I feel blessed to be living a life full of creative abundance.”
Translation: “Hello. I live in the Bay Area.”
6. BS-ey Dude Expression: "Hi, thanks for writing. Those are nice things of you to say. Hope your weekend is a good one. Regards, Eric"
Translation: “I don’t give a flying f*ck about you, yet for some reason I feel compelled to reply to your message, even though I have absolutely nothing to say. This is fun. Also, head games! Regards.”
7. BS-ey Dude Expression: "I’m a serious man. You could say I’m like a cross between Kenny Powers and Carl Sagan. That would be a wild exaggeration; but twould be funny of you to say.”
Translation: “Twould be fair for you to assume I am an arrogant, pretentious ass.”
8. BS-ey (AKA Desperate) Dude Expression: "Can you help please? I assure you im not ugly, factors like constantly moving, indoor studying, boys school, not a frequent social persons is why im alone. and virgin" (sics all over the place).
Translation: NEED GET LAID URGENT!! NO TIME FOR GRAMMAR!!!1!1!!!!! (P.S. This guy also claimed to be 20 years old, which makes his whole proposition even more tempting. I kid.)
9. BS-ey (AKA 'Huh?') Dude Expression: "Hi Girl, How r u? I like your profile…. sounds good… I like your funky eyeglasses„„„ they are grea!!!! I cant send u a picture untill u send me a real picture„„„ those glases looks like the ones my grand mom you’s too waer@@@@@@@."
Translation: Er, sorry, cannot translate gobbledygook, but this was too funny not to include.
10. BS-ey (AKA Faux Romantic) Dude Expression: "Aloof shuns a fool,lest shackels be fethered/such counsel be coined as lovers are martyr’d/bereft of sobriety and all its releases/as mortar is dulled by pardons laughter…"
Translation: "I like pretending I can write a nice romantic poem to impress tha ladiez! You impressed yet? How about now?!"
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