Your Very Own Handy-Dandy OKCupid Dude Translator Tool

Here are a few translations (from BS to English, of course) of some of the more ridiculous things I've seen guys write on OKCupid. All in fun, people, all in fun.

Aug 31, 2013 at 1:00pm | Leave a comment

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I've been Internet dating for far too long, but dammit, I'm happy about it, see?

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been on OKCupid for a long-ass time. (OK, maybe I’m sliiiiiiightly ashamed to admit it, but whatever, admitting it anyway.)

Before that, I was on Nerve Personals for equally as long (-ass).  So it’s fair to say I’ve had a few spins around the proverbial Internet dating block. And I’ve heard more than my fair share of –- let’s be frank –- weird, crazy dudes' weird, crazy bullshit. (And yes, I'm sure women are equally guilty of the dating bullshit act –- actually, Scientific American claims that more than 90 percent of people lie in their Internet dating profiles! I’m not surprised, but still -- yikes.)

Here are some of the more creative (?) expressions I’ve encountered from OKC dudes, along with a handy BS-to-English translation, JUST FOR YOU. Some of these are from guys’ profiles, some are from messages they wrote directly to me. (Disclaimer: This is a silly round-up done in fun -- I'm actually pretty open-minded when it comes to who I’ll entertain the idea of going on a date with.)

1.    BS-ey Dude Expression: “I’m looking for a woman who takes care of herself.”

       Translation: “Be skinny. Or else.”

2.   BS-ey Dude Expression: "Thanks so much for the message. You made me smile. :)You’re definitely cute, but I’m a pretty skinny guy so I just have to ask you this terrible question: how much do you weigh? :)”

      Translation: “SKINNY OR NOTHING, BITCH!” (P.S. Yes, someone really sent that to me. Yes, I told him off.)

3.    BS-ey Dude Expression: “My creative passions run the gamut from painting to writing to woodworking to live comedy.”

      Translation: “I’m an Adderall addict with 6,023 ‘passions’ because I can’t focus on any one thing for longer than 3 minutes because like I said Adderall and um ADHD and I like flitting from pursuit to pursuit and lady to lady like I’m shopping at a mall to find something that might fit or look good on me so yeah um LADIES BEWARE!!!1”

4.    BS-ey Dude Expression: “Wow lots of equipment."

       Translation: “BOOBS.”

5.    BS-ey Dude Expression: “I feel blessed to be living a life full of creative abundance.”

       Translation: “Hello. I live in the Bay Area.”

6.    BS-ey Dude Expression: "Hi, thanks for writing. Those are nice things of you to say. Hope your weekend is a good one. Regards, Eric"

      Translation: “I don’t give a flying f*ck about you, yet for some reason I feel compelled to reply to your message, even though I have absolutely nothing to say. This is fun. Also, head games! Regards.”

7.    BS-ey Dude Expression: "I’m a serious man. You could say I’m like a cross between Kenny Powers and Carl Sagan. That would be a wild exaggeration; but twould be funny of you to say.”

      Translation: “Twould be fair for you to assume I am an arrogant, pretentious ass.”

8.    BS-ey (AKA Desperate) Dude Expression: "Can you help please? I assure you im not ugly, factors like constantly moving, indoor studying, boys school, not a frequent social persons is why im alone. and virgin" (sics all over the place).

       Translation: NEED GET LAID URGENT!! NO TIME FOR GRAMMAR!!!1!1!!!!! (P.S. This guy also claimed to be 20 years old, which makes his whole proposition even more tempting. I kid.)

9.    BS-ey (AKA 'Huh?') Dude Expression: "Hi Girl, How r u? I like your profile…. sounds good… I like your funky eyeglasses„„„   they are grea!!!! I cant send u a picture untill u send me a real picture„„„ those glases looks like the ones my grand mom you’s too waer@@@@@@@."

      Translation: Er, sorry, cannot translate gobbledygook, but this was too funny not to include.

10. BS-ey (AKA Faux Romantic) Dude Expression: "Aloof shuns a fool,lest shackels be fethered/such counsel be coined as lovers are martyr’d/bereft of sobriety and all its releases/as mortar is dulled by pardons laughter…"       

     Translation: "I like pretending I can write a nice romantic poem to impress tha ladiez! You impressed yet? How about now?!"

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