I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase: "You're so pretty, why are you single?", but I can tell you how many times I've quickly retorted: "You seem smart, why did you ask me such a dumbass question?" (Every. Single. Time.)
I, too, much like Julie, have been told (over and over again) to give online dating a try. I’ve been so averse to it for a plethora of reasons, mainly because I don’t really trust men and their intentions -- let alone internet-savvy men. However, against my better judgment (and in the interest of finally dropkicking The Boy to the curb once and for all), last week I finally decided to give it a go; I signed up with Match.com (and actually paid for 6 months up front! That means I'm serious about this shit.). I haven't been out on an actual date yet, but these past seven days have been rather enlightening -- about me and the men I'm attracting. Here’s what I’ve learned about myself thus far:
1) I’m a Grammar Nazi.
Remember the episode of "Secret Diary Of a Call Girl," when Belle was trying to teach Bambi how to decipher which Johns were safe to meet up with based on their correct use of grammar? I realized that I operate in the exact same manner -- if you misuse their/they’re/there, or "fink its kl 2 s3nd m3ssag3s rttn lik dis," or mistakenly skip words like the, at, an, I, et al -- PASS. While I understand that English is not everyone’s first language, I still get turned all the way off from men who can't communicate with me properly, especially right off the bat. I mean, first impressions are lasting, right?
2) White Men Are So Into Me. ("Cause the pimpin’ ice cold, all these bitches wanna chill." –Drake.)
I can only assume that this is due to my kickass profile pic, but 85% of my inbox is full of messages sent by Caucasian men. This vexes me. White men never -- I repeat, never -- approach me in real life. Sure, they stop and stare, but none ever actually bother to hit on me. (They barely make room for me in an elevator!) Why, pray tell, are they so interested now?
I have a few theories:
- I’ve been reduced to dating online (for whatever reason), so clearly I’m desperate.
- They’ve always fantasized about boning a Black chick, and I’ll do just fine.
- I’m edgy and intimidating in person, but online feels like a much safer approach to girls like... me.
For the record, I’m not here for any of that.
3) I’m Not Interested in Those That Are Thirsty.
It’s one thing to let me know that you're seriously interested -- it’s entirely another to straight up slam my inbox. One guy in particular dared to send messages with the following subjects:
08:25 a.m. - Hi!
08:27 a.m. – Hey…
08:31 a.m. – HELLO?!
Really? What the fuck my dude? I was just in the shower. *Delete, delete, delete!*
Le sigh. That’s all for now. I’ll be back in the near future with more updates on this adventure. In the meantime, wanna tell me about your online dating experiences? Any interesting personal revelations?
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