Well hello there, sir. I apologize for making assumptions in my headline. It's possible that you are not, in fact, crazy, but are just extremely rude. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, however, and assume that you are mentally ill, and that this is at least part of the reason that you decided to harass me for 10 minutes during my morning commute.
I understand that I played a part, as well, by "looking at you." I can see how that would be offensive, although I would politely qualify what I did more as "glancing around for an available seat." But I'll admit that once you began to scream at me, I probably looked at you in alarm, like a jerk. My bad.
When I moved further down the subway car, I'd like to thank you for raising your voice so that I could continue to hear your notes on my appearance, along with everyone else on the subway car.
I would like to thank you for the thoughtful critique that followed. If you hadn't been around to alert me, I probably would not know that I am, in fact, an "ugly white bitch" with a "flat ass." I appreciate your in-depth analysis of my ass in general. It will make my New Year's resolution list very specific!
You must have known that sometimes when I am riding the train to work in the morning, I forget that my appearance is imperfect, and that there are many people in this world who find me unattractive. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, I go so far as to feel pretty, or "good about myself." Without you there to remind me how ugly I am, I could have felt that way all day! Who knows what trouble all that inflated self-esteem would have gotten me into.
Without your endless tirade, I wouldn't have known exactly which parts of my face and body are least attractive, and without that information, how could I improve them? I'd also like to thank you for noting that it's only "from a distance" that I could pass for a transsexual. I am glad that once you get close to me, you can see that I am a biological woman.
I'm not sure how you knew that I think I am more attractive than other woman because I am Caucasian. I feel embarassed to be exposed like that in front of everyone. But you saw something and you said something, just like you're supposed to. I appreciate that you took a full 10 minutes to really take a good look at me and get real about my physical flaws. It's so important to be thorough and take your time with an important task. Anything worth doing is worth doing well!
I'd also like to thank all the men and women who studiously avoided eye contact with me for their lack of assistance and reassurance. A smile or a kind word might have distracted me from the important information coming my way.
Another unsung hero of this whole interaction? The homeless guy who spit at my feet after I moved to the next car at the first opportunity. You really took it to the next level, sir. Amazing work.
Which brings me to the biggest thanks of all. Thank you, New York! You're fucking horrible.