My Dog Won't Stop Eating My Underwear

And it's ruining my sex life.

May 23, 2011 at 11:02am | Leave a comment

Carlos likes to eat the crotch out of my underwear. Before you get too titillated, Carlos is a dog and not my Spanish lover. Although, one time, while I was walking him, a stranger asked me what his name was. When I answered Carlos, the stranger, a middle-aged man said: “Did you name him after an ex-boyfriend?” How sad would I have to be to name my puppy after an ex?

But back to the point, Carlos’s favorite thing to do is destroy my underwear. Never the ugly kind either, it’s always some lacey expensive pair that he’s gnawed the center out of. Don’t believe me? While most of them end up in the garbage, here are some recent casualties:

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I caught him with a pair this morning (he’s making that face cause he knows he’s in trouble):

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Generally, he has two methods of destruction. If the underwear has cotton lining, he’ll just eat that, as evidenced in Exhibits A &B:

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Whereas, if the underwear is missing an inner lining,  he’ll eat straight through the center, making them unsalvageable.

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But here’s the thing: He only eats cute underwear. If they’re comfortable, worn out, or period panties, he’s not interested:

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It took me a long time to figure out where he was getting the dirty underwear from in the first place. At first I thought he was taking it off the bathroom floor while I showered. But after adjusting my routine (consciously placing my underwear in the sink for its protection) my favorite panties still went missing.

One day I picked up his doggy bed and found, to my horror, that the walls were literally lined with underwear. It was becoming a serious problem -- not just because underwear is expensive -- but because it’s actually dangerous. Don’t laugh. I know a girl whose friend’s dog died from choking on the crotch of a thong. There is nothing sadder than losing a pet (and nothing worse than having to say that your underwear was the reason).

In an attempt to solve the problem, I typed, “Why does my dog steal my underwear?” into wikiHow. Most of the answers confirmed my theory: He likes the smell. One person claimed that it’s a dog’s role to protect their owner’s scent. They will hide or destroy anything with a strong odor in order to save you from predators. To me this seemed like a stoner answer. (This was confirmed by the related searches box, “People who searched this also searched: Do cows puke?”) Also, this would be the first time my 10-pound animal did ANYTHING to protect me. But perhaps that’s why he steals underwear with such a gusto -- it’s all he has to offer.

After keeping my laundry basket on top of my dresser, and moving my lingerie drawer to the top of my cabinet, I finally figured out how he was doing it. One night, while my boyfriend and I were getting a little bit more intimate (having sex) I saw, from the corner of my eye, Carlos crawling mission impossible style across the edge of the bed, certain that neither of us were looking, he snatched my crumpled pair of underwear in his mouth and hopped off the bed. I flashed back to every time my underwear had gone missing and sure enough in the corner of every love scene there was a little puppy on a covert operation underwear.

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Now when things get hot and heavy, my boyfriend and I share this strange out-of-the-moment experience where we both freeze and start feeling around the bed for my panties. On other occasions, he’ll stop, mid-whatever’s happening, stand up and place my underwear on top of the high up radiator. It’s sweet, but it also does an excellent job of killing the mood. Since solving the mystery, I’ve lost less underwear, but there’s another downside: now when things get romantic, I have this strange feeling, like I’ve forgotten to do something important. Turn off the stove? No. Unplug my curling iron? No. And then it hits me: Hide my underwear from the freaking dog. Hot.

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