Just a Few Of the Myriad Ways I Annoy The S#@t Out Of My Boyfriend On A Daily Basis

I'm sorry, but I cannot perform any chore that involves the use of rubber gloves because the noise they make is my nails on a chalkboard.

May 29, 2012 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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I'm not really all that fun to live with. We've been over the whole "I don't know how to clean/I can't see my mess" thing already. I know it's hard to believe, what with my aura of extreme sexual glamour that probably has you picturing me blowjobbing langourously all day in maribou slippers. But allow me to reiterate --  I can be pretty fucking clueless when it comes to domestic upkeep.

(And a lot of other stuff: I just tried to paint over my chipped black toenail polish with red, which didn't work at all. The other day I burst into tears when the bus driver told me I had to remove the baby from the stroller to board. In high school, I locked my keys in my car repeatedly, once while it was running. Are some people just better equipped for life than others?)

Alas, I am a bumbler. My head is writing an article for you, while my body is dribbling coffee behind me or  incorrectly calculating the amount of money in my bank account.

I'm guessing a lot of you feel this way -- that only by comparing my insides to other people's outsides have I concluded that I am the gangly, tripping contrast to all the rest of you, who seem to know exactly what you're doing all the time.

I have heard that this is an alcoholic way of thinking -- the perpetual outsiderism, the feeling that everyone else is following a guidebook you didn't receive. I imagine that like a lot of things we alcoholics try to claim, it's more of a human thing. We just talk about it a lot more.

Anyway, I am trying to be more mindful, if only in an attempt to see my wedding day before I am bludgeoned to death with my own misplaced coffee cup.

I thought that perhaps if I made myself a little list, it would help me as much as the one my mom put on the front door for me as an equally absent-minded child. "Do you have your backpack?" it read. "Do you have your lunch money?" etc. etc.

So here are just a few top-of-mind things I do that make living with me extra-effing-annoying:

  • leaving the regrigerater door open, juuuust a little bit
  • leaving my hair in the shower drain
  • putting empty boxes back into the fridge/cabinet
  • leaving dishes/unwashed recyclables in the sink instead of rinsing them and placing them in the dishwasher or recycling bag
  • spilling things and not noticing
  • pulling tags off of clothes and sending those little plastic things onto the floor
  • being unable to perform any chore that requires wearing rubber gloves because the noise they make sets my teeth on edge
  • my 2-out-of-3 ain't bad approach to the 3 rooms I am supposed to clean every weekend. (OK, one out of 3 -- but it's the bathroom!)

 

The worst part is that my domestic helpmeet is 9/1oths perfect and only ever used to do one thing that annoyed me (forgetting to turn the "shower" part of the faucet of so that when I turned the water on in the morning it would spray down on my head). And I asked him to stop like once and he did. He's the good parent, too.

What cohabitation stuff does your SO do that drives you completely insane? Or are you, like me, the evil Spock of your relationship?