I've woken up the last few mornings with a heavy dread in the pit of my stomach. It comes as soon as I open my eyes, like letting the light in makes my stomach churn -- not a lot, just tiny little butterflies that I can tell aren't good ones.
The funny heaviness travels from the pit of my belly up into my chest where it sits, making me feel a little claustrophobic. It's in my head too, like the back of my eyes feel hot and there's a fizzy feeling in my nose like I'm about to cry at the drop of a hat but I don't know what about.
I haven't wanted to go out and see people, I've been hiding behind my laptop and working. I haven't been taking calls from my friends, because I feel like I don't have much to say, which is weird because usually you can't shut me up. I get this feeling that my throat is all tight and my tongue is tingly and too big for my mouth and my words are empty.
As soon as I woke up the other morning with The Feeling I recognised it instantly. I had The Feeling six years ago after I was dumped by a meathead boyfriend who I put on a crazy pedestal even though he and his family were convinced he was better than me (he wasn't).
I remember waking up and instantly feeling sick and weird and off balance, wanting to cry but not being able to. I had The Feeling a while after, when I was in a job I hated and my Dad was ill. I had The Feeling when I was in Ibiza and had spent all my money like an idiot and couldn't get home.
I haven't had The Feeling for a long time. The closest I got was when I'd been ill with my Crohn's flare for what felt like FOREVER and couldn't see an end. But even then, it wasn't the full-on Doom.
I find myself spending minutes at a time just wondering why I feel like it, racking my brain for reasons. There's my sister, who as usual is worrying my parents for no reason and reminding me that we have zero relationship. There's Chris' new job with a long commute, am I worried about that? The weather hasn't been great...Surely that can't be it. I'm feeling well and healthy, and things are seeming to go right at the moment, but I feel like it is all going to come crashing down around my ears and bury me.
The thing this time that's making me feel strange is that I think the reason that I feel bad is because everything is actually OK.
It's funny that the realisation that everything has been going well can make me feel so off balance. Work has been going well for us both. Chris has taken a big promotion and bought a car that he loves, our house is looking good and we have paid all our bills (ish). Our families are in good health, there are no massive dramas that can't be easily dealt with.
Everything is going well. But that's the problem. It's like there's a giant something looming over me, laughing at me and poking me over and over again and telling me that something is going to happen soon. Something big. Things can't just go right.
It's like we can't be that lucky. Surely not. It'll all catch up with us. It's nipping at our heels. We can't have it that good for a long time, it wouldn't be fair on everyone else with their struggles and illness and pain.
I remember seeing Emily's Gratitude List a while ago, which is something that I'd never seen before. I like that idea -- that you remind yourself why you should be thankful, why your life is as special and meaningful as anyone else's.
So how do I get rid of this horrible sickness? Will it just go on its own? Can I chase it out with Vitamin B and ploughing myself into work so that I get that sense of achievement that gives me a warm buzz? Do I chew Valerian root or take beta blockers or go on a spending spree? You're all going to say to exercise, aren't you? BAAAHHHHH. Maybe it's time that I dusted off those running shoes, after all.