Emily wrote an awesome piece recently about how important it is that we all remember The Golden Rule when dating
. She raised some really good points about how it’s ridiculous to expect perfection, that we all come with baggage, and that it’s not cool to mock someone for his appearance. I totally agree with all of this; you’d have to be an asshole not to, right? But I was a little sheepish when I read the part where she said, “I'm overly invested in giving people a chance…”
Because, while I commend Emily for that, I’m just not the same way. Now, to be fair, I’m twisting her words a little bit for my own purposes because I believe Emily was referring to looking past faults that we all have and not judging solely on looks, both ideas with which I strongly agree -- I mean, I dated a former heroin addict with no hair and no money. Although, that turned out to be a huge mistake since he couldn't throw the word former before the word alcoholic, but that’s another story for another time. Not to mention that I basically had to play the Star Spangled Banner during sex to get him to take his baseball hat off. But anyway!
What’s hard for me when it comes to dating is that while I want to be open minded, I have a lot of requirements. (I know, I know. You’re SHOCKED.) But I’m in my 30s and I just feel like I’ve dated enough to know what’s necessary to make a relationship work and what I can let slide.
For example: I can’t date a smoker. Never. No way. No how. And I can’t date someone who isn’t into skiing or snowboarding. I mean, I could, but I can tell you from experience that guys don’t like it when you bail every weekend for five months in a row. I also strongly prefer to date a guy with a car. It doesn’t have to be a fancy car, though I’d prefer it could handle the snow, but I like to leave the city a lot and I hate driving. At the minimum, it’s a responsibility I think we should share so that I don’t get resentful about being the chauffeur.
Since I’m single these days (HINT HINT HOT BOYS… OR MILDLY ATTRACTIVE BOYS. WHICHEVER.), I actually took the time to compose a list of my “requirements.” Now keep in mind this list was only going out to a few select friends and that they all get and even appreciate my sense of humor. It was supposed to be taken seriously, but not *so* seriously. Like, I hoped they’d set me up with someone, but it was OK if he was out of my age range or didn’t have siblings. I mean, I’m picky, but I’m also super old. Beggars and whatnot.
If I had an online dating profile, this is the picture people would tell me to use...
But I'd probably use this one instead because I'm a huge dork.
But here’s the thing… Is it so wrong to only want to date someone who is serious about living in the place you’ve chosen to call home? Or to want him to have things in common with you? (Although when my best friend saw that I put camping, she was like “Ugh, DO NOT tell people you like camping. Then they’ll set you up with poor people.” To which I laughed and said, “That’s OK.” Because it IS OK. I mean, to a point. I still like my champagne. For breakfast.)
And I’ve seen what happens when I date guys who don’t read. They get annoyed when I have my nose buried in a book and try to talk to me. Please, for the love of God, do not talk to me when I’m feverishly turning pages with tears streaming down my face! I will snap at you and I will tell you that it's exactly the same thing as interrupting someone when they're watching a movie. In the theater. Because I'm dramatic like that.
Mostly, I think it's important to be open to all types of guys, to not judge a book by its cover (cliche!), and remember that none of us is perfect. But at the same time, it's also important -- to you and the guy you're dating or thinking about dating -- to be honest about the type of person you are and whether or not that person fits into your life (and vice versa).
So, with no further ado, I share with you the email. Please take it in the spirit in which it was intended and then share your quirky requirements in the comments. And don’t worry: If I didn’t get that it was a bit much then, I get it now. It’s been a few months. I’m still single.
(That being said: if you have a friend who you think fits the bill, send him my way!)
Hello Friends and People I May Not Really Know That Well, But Whom I Suspect Have Hot Friends...
I hope this email finds you well. Or at least better than I in that you're getting laid on a somewhat frequent basis by someone who takes you to brunch the next morning. Which brings us to the point of this email.
You may be surprised to be receiving an email from me since I've spent the last year or so hermitting in my apartment and/or Tahoe. Unfortunately, though I thoroughly enjoy my solitude, it leads to one problem, which is I'm not meeting any new people to have sex with. I mean, date.
Seriously though. I've been single for well over a year and I'm realizing it's time to get back out there. On the horse. In the saddle. Whatever. My therapist suggested I online date, but I can't do that because my biggest fear in life is having to deal with emails that only say "Ur a QT," being matched up with a co-worker, or both.
WHICH IS WHERE YOU COME IN!
I need your help meeting a nice boy. Man. Boy-man. Do you know of anyone who is single and interested in dating an amazing, smart, funny, attractive girl? Yeah, DON'T WE ALL. What I really need is someone who'd be interesting in dating, well: Me.
In the interest of not wasting anyone's time (despite the fact that we are now seven paragraphs into this email), I spent some time this weekend compiling a list of what I'm looking for in a partner.
When you have a second will you review the list and then rack your brain to see if you know anyone who fits every single requirement? JUST KIDDING. I'm not a total psycho. I'll settle for 99%. FINE. 80%. Fine, if he has a job and all of his teeth, hook me up.
Kidding. He also needs to have most/some of the following:
But not a geeky job. Like he can work in tech, but if he's ever worn shorts or sandals to work, he's probably not for me. And not someone who comes home and wants to play in front of the computer, like: for fun.
And yes, that includes The Pot. (Occasional The Pot smoking is fine.)
Goes to the dentist for his check-up every six months. WHAT? There are seriously people who don't do this.
I've thought about this a lot and while I'd prefer to date someone exactly my age, I think 34-42 is a good age range for me.
Listen. If he's losing his hair, it's cool. This one is optional. I mean, I like hair because it's fun to pull, but it's not a deal breaker.
Sorry, not sorry.
On that same note... Should not sunburn easily.
But understands the importance of sunscreen.
A College Degree
I had to throw this in there because "Where did you go to college?" will be the first question my mother asks if this phantom person and I ever get to that level and I'm beyond the point in my life where I think it's funny to date people of whom my mother will never approve. Not that he'll ever meet my mother.
Likes Outdoorsy Stuff
Like camping and day drinking.
Should probably (definitely) ski or snowboard.
Owns a Car
Preferred AWD or 4WD.
Doesn't have to be a fancy car.
Is Smart and Funny and Attractive
But not smarter or funnier or more attractive than I am. Kidding. (Not kidding.)
Orders Dessert After Dinner
Not like at every meal, but at most. (And by "most," I mean "every.")
Like, wants to live here permanently. Isn't just here on some "Let's explore the west coast and have a mini-adventure" whim.
Likes to Read
He doesn't have to LOVE books, but he shouldn't be annoyed that I read all of the time and will ignore him when I'm really into a novel. Or that I have to read every night to fall asleep.
Doesn't Like Any of the Following Football Teams:
Green Bay Packers, Dallas Cowboys, Arizona Cardinals, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Oakland Raiders.
Prefer If He Doesn't Like the Following Football Teams, but Could Feasibly Get Over It:
NY Giants, NE Patriots, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, New Orleans Saints.
Has a Nice Family That He Likes
I'd prefer someone with married parents and siblings.
I know that sounds picky, but I just think it'd be a nice.
But not like SO into his family that he wants to be with them for every single holiday.
Doesn't Have or Even Really Like Cats
Won't Mind that I Have a Online Presence and That I Write About My Life
But I don't have to write about him if he doesn't want.
And last, but not least: Would NEVER Make a List Like This
But is totally cool with the fact that I'm the type of girl who would. (Did.)
And on that note... I am going to hit send and then pour myself a glass of wine and pretend like this never happened.
Thank you for all that you do.