I went on a couple dates with someone who I thought I liked, and we spent a lot of time together. Then when we were finally intimate, I asked if everything was OK, and he said, "I'm not looking for a girlfriend."
That made me sad. I don't want to get into it more than that. It's boring. I'm bored just thinking about it. (Are you bored, Mandy? Or are you enraged and hurt? Well, that too, probably. Like I said, boring.)
People make a mistake with me often if they date me. I can be a very nice, compassionate, kind, loving, supportive person. I can be easy-going. I can be the best girlfriend or the best date you will ever have in your life.
But if I get a whiff that I am supposed to try to suddenly perform like a competition pony to prove my ilk to them, I'm just over it. And you can't say right after you are intimate with someone for the first time: "I'm not looking for a girlfriend," without there being consequences. It's a crap thing to say. I was honest all along with him. I was asked before we were intimate, "What are you looking for?"
"A partner," I said.
Before we ever went out, I leveled with him: "I have enough friends in my life."
That is what I am looking for. I am looking for a partner. When he said this line to me, I said, "I wish you had told me this before."
Then there was a bunch of words and other things that occurred.
Boring. I threw the flowers he gave me in the trash.
I'm also very frustrated with a policy that we have here at xoJane. This will probably sound silly to you, but things like this can get me down a lot. The policy is to not be sarcastic, mean-spirited or snarky toward anyone, including celebrities. To me, these are often fundamental components of humor. This bums me out, too. Things like this can make me feel very alienated and fake at times.
But that's OK. This is a dream job, you know? (Not being sarcastic.) Most people would kill to have a platform like this, and I try to remember that every day, every minute. That's just one thing, and I can use my authentic voice the majority of the time in my writing here, and I can always use it in my performing, so that's cool. Sometimes it gets me down, though.
I don't like feeling censored when I'm asked to write about my life, you know? Or my feelings. My feelings are my feelings, and my point of view is my point of view. It'd be one thing if this were Ladies Home Journal, but it's xoJane. Sometimes I express my voice through sarcasm. Droll deadpan sarcasm is one of my favorite kinds of humor, honestly.
So that's something I have felt a little paralyzed and gross about at times. But, it's OK. I recognize what an amazing job this is, which can then sometimes be doubly frustrating, because then I beat myself up and I feel like an ungrateful prima donna. But I'd rather not apologize for how I am experiencing something. I like being raw. So I'm just going to be OK with the fact that this stuff gets me down.
Anything where I feel disconnected from the way that I want to authentically write -- unless it is essentially a writer-for-hire platform (which I can do quite well) -- can mess me up a bit. I have to re-calibrate so I am taking care of myself effectively.
And I have been trying to take care of myself in whatever way I can. I switched my anti-depressants because I was feeling so sad fairly recently. I don't know if that's helping. Maybe it is. And I started seeing my therapist again. And I'm doing group therapy for the first time this Thursday -- which is my birthday -- even though I really don't feel like doing it now. But I signed up for it, and I've paid for it, so I suppose that is what it is.
Overall, my life is OK. It's better than it was last year at this time. I suppose that's all you can really want. So, happy early birthday to me.
Oh, I know. I'll do a gratitude list. That's supposed to work when you feel kind of junky.
I have my health. I have some very loving friends in my life. I have a cool apartment in Manhattan. I have a dog who loves me dearly. I have a job -- a great job. I am sober, and that's a good thing. My life is richer and clearer than it's ever been in a lot of ways. I love love love to drink in art and culture and storytelling. I find that intoxicating and exciting, no lie. I love feeling like I am continually learning. I think I am fairly resilient, and I always try to work through muddiness to get to a clearer area of the pond when things get too mucked up in my psyche or my life.
I like helping people. Sometimes people write me really nice things about what I've written on the site, and that makes me feel really proud of my life. It's wonderful to have an impact. I am grateful to my family. I am grateful for every next new day. I like my little sign that says "Ignore the critics." I love this Steve Jobs autobiography I'm listening to, and it's inspiring to learn about his process and approach. Twitter can be fun. I like the risks I'm taking in life, even when they can feel lousy sometimes, or the consequences can. I think I am more nurturing to myself than I've been in the past. I try to do what I need to do to take care of myself. My mom makes me laugh a lot. I enjoyed the "Late Show" episodes of "Louie" that I watched on Netflix recently. I feel proud and grateful for my courage to put myself out there to be rejected. I think that's an OK list for now.
I hope you have a nice day. Oh, and today watch "The Doctors" if you want. I talk about my tampon story in the audience for a minute, and the doctors gave some advice. It's pretty silly. Just in that Hollywood TV kind of way, but that can be fun. Talk to you later, and thanks for reading, always.
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.