I'm not sure why I was shocked, let alone hurt, when a girl I had known for 28 years tried to sabotage my wedding. It was right in line with all the other messed up things she had done to me over the years. But I was shocked and hurt, and, almost a year later, still am. Maybe writing about it will make me feel better? I can't tell. All I know is that I no longer talk to someone who is a staple in most of my childhood memories and photos.
It's hard not to make this story sound like twisted, grown-up version of mean girls ... mainly because that's exactly what it is.
My friend Lynn (not her real name) and I were born three months apart. We were close throughout our childhoods, in the sense that our parents were close and we spent a lot of time together. Lynn was my friend, but sometimes she was my worst nightmare. She fed off of drama and fights, and was always looking to create situations where she could pit herself and others against me. At the same time, she knew everything about me and I her.
We were on-and-off friends for a long time, but by the time I was ready to get married, she seemed supportive -- calling frequently, acting excited for me, and asking lots of questions. Still, I was guarded. I had seen Lynn, who was a bridesmaid at many friends' weddings, trash-talking the bride the night before and gossiping about how much her centerpieces cost. I didn't want her too involved with the details, beacuse I didn't want that kind of drama at our wedding.
Still, it seemed like maybe she was turning over a new leaf and could be genuinely excited for me. That didn't last long. Slowly, but surely, she began her usual methods of sabotage. First, she "accidentally" tried to ruin a surprise bridal shower that my husband's family worked very hard to plan by texting me the day before the shower to ask if I "had fun" and if I was "so surprised."
Pretty veils my friends made at my surprise bridal shower which, thankfully, was not ruined.
Luckily, I'm pretty dense and gullible about these things, and was still super surprised and happy when a lovely shower was thrown for me and my friends.
But Lynn was undeterred. She was going to find a way to mess up any aspect of my wedding that she could. My gut told me to un-invite her from my bachelorette party and wedding, yet my mother convinced me I couldn't do that.
So, she came to the party and spent the whole time complaining about how expensive everything was (we ate Mexican food in Brooklyn) and then tried to get my friends (who had never even met her) leave my party with her and go to a club. Who does that? Of course nobody went with her, because my friends are not the worst people ever, but when I found out about it the next day all I could think about was "Wow, that's fucked up."
But besides one friend who warned me, "Make sure your friends keep her away from you on your wedding night. She's the type to spill red wine on your dress," most people thought I was being overly dramatic.
The icing on the figurative wedding cake was during the actual reception when she cried to my sister that she wasn't asked to be bridesmaid. When she saw me after the ceremony, she didn't even smile at me! I even had to Photoshop her out of one of my favorite photos of our vows, because she is standing in the fourth row making a bitchy stinkface.
(Note: you should always smile during wedding receptions if you want to avoid looking like an evil slunt.)
I know this is not the most tragic thing to ever happen to a person. But the wedding was over six months ago and I'm having a hard time letting this whole thing go. I think the hardest part is that I don't think she feels she ever did anything wrong.
When I talk to most people about the situation, they think I'm being paranoid or exaggerating. Which is also how she gets me -- I do exaggerate and get paranoid about things. But this stuff she does is real! People ask, "Who would really intentionally ruin a surprise shower?" Lynn would and she did.
Even some of the friends she tried to kidnap from my bachelorette don't believe she would have actually left. I want to scream "It feels like I'm taking crazy pills!" because if they would have gone with her, leaving my party with my friends would have been the highlight of her year.
When we were younger, my mom would say that it was jealousy that motivated some of her questionable behavior. I'm not sure it was then or is now. I mean, I get jealous of hot volleyball players, but I don't show up to the beach pretending to be their friend and then accidentally knock down their nets and punch holes in their volleyballs. You know? Her motives must run deeper and it's pretty terrifying.
I'm not sure what I wanted to accomplish by putting this story out there. Maybe it's just to try and validate that friends can do things that are really hurtful, even as adults. Maybe it's to warn all of you engaged gals to watch your backs. Or maybe I'm just tired of all the excuses for why people act the way the do, and am hoping someone here thinks I'm not the one taking crazy pills and believes me.
Besides losing a friend (neither of has tried to speak to the other since the big day) I think the hardest part is forgiving someone for something, or even a lifetime of somethings, which she will never apologize for. I'm not there yet, but I am going to try ... especially because I don't want her toxicity taking up any more of my headspace.
In the end, our wedding and all of its events were some of the happiest memories of my life and I know that, eventually, time will Photoshop her out of them.