I'm Not Attracted To Hot Guys

On a scale from 1 to James Franco, the men I’ve dated have been about a John C. Reilly.

Mar 6, 2014 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

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I'd marry George Costanza over Ashton Kutcher any day...

I don’t fit into the cultural norm of being attracted to “hot” guys. I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy who would be considered a “hottie.” Ugh, I hate that word. Muscles, pretty eyes, and perfect smiles don’t do it for me one bit. In fact, it turns me off. 

In the way people are judgmental about models being dumb, I’m judgmental about attractive men being boring. It doesn’t help that I’ve worked with a ton of male models who only talked about their workout routine or what club they went to the night before.

I was on a shoot recently where one of the guys was talking about how he decided to get back into acting and modeling after years of working as a software salesman. 

He said, “It's great for getting chicks though, they find it sexy that I take hold of my life and make huge changes to do something I’m passionate about.”

I asked him, “What kind of stuff do you act in?

“I act mostly in life.” He said while gazing up to the sky, then looked down at his phone and said, “I’ve been really into photography lately. Instagram is so cool -- can I take your photo?”

I said sure, then he aimed his phone at me, took a picture, then said, “Ugh, why is the light so bad?”

He showed me the picture and it was just a silhouette because the sun was directly behind me, pointing into his camera.

“Maybe because the sun is directly behind me?” I said.

“Oh, yeah. Cool. Can I take your picture now?” He asked the model sitting next to me, also directly in front of the sun.

He then babbled for 20 more minutes about his motorcycle and some other stuff I stopped paying attention to. Whatever. He wasn’t a bad person, just not my type at all. I would’ve been more interested in a one-sided conversation with my cat.

The last thing I want is a boyfriend who takes more time getting ready than I do. I like men who are into fashion, but it’s such a huge turn-off when men are more into what they look like than what they do. I’ve never had a boyfriend that fit the mold of what women are supposed to think is attractive. Also, if they’re spending money on designer jeans, that’s money they could be spending on buying me a Chanel bag. (I’m totally kidding, OK, kind of kidding).

I’m not opposed to dating a guy with giant muscles, as long as he’s smart, funny, nice, caring, respectful, listens to good music, is good at sex, and knows how to cook. Good-looking men aren’t used to utilizing their brains to get women, so more often than not, the hot ones rely on their looks. On a scale from 1 to James Franco, the men I’ve dated have been about a John C. Reilly. I would totally marry John C. Reilly.

It doesn’t matter how defined his jaw is or how sculpted his cheekbones are, I’ll jump his bones as long as he makes me laugh and puts up a good fight during Jeopardy. I’ll take a smart dude with an asymmetrical face and chubby stomach over a heartthrob any day. Besides, I don’t want a guy to be more attractive than me while we’re naked. That’s completely logical and makes perfect sense, right?

It’s not that I seek out less attractive men, it’s that appearance is the last thing I’m attracted to. I dated a guy who was 50 (42, according to what I told my parents) and he wasn’t what you’d call “attractive” by any means, but he made me laugh more than any guy ever has, and that’s all that mattered (at that time in my life, I was so young and naive, sigh). 

As long as the guy takes care of himself and is very passionate about his work -- or anything for that matter -- then I'm all in. I'd rather be intrigued by his collection of Coen Brothers DVDs (even "Intolerable Cruelty") than admire his spray-tanned biceps in a Hugo Boss tank top. Honestly, any guy who casually drops a Seinfeld reference in front of me might as well make a copy of his keys because I'm moving in with him immediately.

Do you guys watch "The Bachelor"? If not, you shouldn't, it's terrible. I unfortunately do, and now I'm stuck hate-watching it until the end. 

At the beginning of the season, tons of women were thrilled that Juan Pablo was going to be the new bachelor. He's a former soccer player from Venezuela with a really cute daughter. He's "SO DREAMY" according to everyone's mom because he works out and has an accent, but I couldn't be more unattracted to him. He comes off as a total douche, and one of the final 3 girls called him out as being an insincere selfish name dropper before she left the show. I'm very happy she defied everything that show was supposed to be about and was honest about wanting a man who had interests and passions, and not just great abs.

I'm sure there are plenty of super hot guys who are also very smart and funny, but I'm just drawn to more unusual-looking men. I'm not interested in your workout routine, fancy car, or boring Banana Republic collared shirts with jeans that have a fancy embroidered dragon on the back pocket. Talk to me about why you're obsessed with the "Cruel Intentions" soundtrack and I will most likely fall in love with you.

I'm on Twitter: @MelissaStetten.