I Don't Cook, Ever.

I mean, I look cute as hell in an apron. But I would not refer to anything I do in the kitchen as cooking, per se.

Nov 21, 2011 at 4:01pm | Leave a comment

One of my favorite "Overheard in NY" quotes is this one:

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HA! I love it. But possibly due to the fact that Oklahoma, where I'm from, is actually part of the murky Southwestern region which no one ever comes up with cliches about, I only love one of those things. Because I don't cook. Ever.

I mean, I look cute as hell in an apron. And I can put frozen stuff in then oven for a pre-determined amount of time in a pinch. But I would not refer to anything I do in the kitchen as cooking, per se, which is why the #womenwhodontcook hastag grabbed my attention when it was trending on Twitter last week.

 

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Ruh-roh.

I think the last time I used a pot or pan was probably in the first year or two of dating Pete, when I made him a breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon in my tiny East Village apartment. I microwaved pre-cooked bacon and passed it off as my own.

Complete aside: This apartment was the obligatory disgusting apartment everyone has to live in once in their 20s -- a one-bedroom that I shared with an old guy who slept in a curtained-off area of the living room that resembled nothing so much as a serial killer's crawlspace. I slept on a futon mattress on the floor because the frame wouldn't fit in the tiny space. This is also where we ate my last experiment in cooking.

Luckily, my boyfriend loves to cook, and thus far does not seem resentful of the fact that I have zero interest in learning. My therapist seems more concerned about the whole thing, actually -- she keeps probing about my reasons for not liking to cook, like maybe I was traumatized adjacent to a frying pan or something and my disinterest in mixing foodstuffs is residual damage. But what don't you like about it? she asks, and looks dubious when I respond that I don't like to cook because it's BORING AS HELL

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Cooking is THE WORST. As I said, it's boring. I like to look at TV, where people move around and say entertaining things. When I stare at a boiling pot or a mixing bowl, nobody says funny things to make me laugh or anything.

Plus, it takes FOREVER. You spend like an hour working on something that's gone in 15 minutes. The effort to payoff ratio is just not working for me. And it's messy. You have to put your hands in gross things and when you're done, you have to clean, which even more boring. No, cooking is terrible. Like vacuuming except people try to convince you it's really fun.

Of course, we all know that Twitter trending topics are determined by some kind of sub-adolescent hive-mind, and I don't really think not cooking makes me less of a woman. But it is pretty amazing that cooking is still so linked to the idea of womanhood, considering there's absolutely nothing inherently feminine about preparing food to eat, unless you're preparing it with your boobs.

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If there's one thing I am, it is ALL WOMAN. I mean, how many times do you think I've mentioned my vagina on this site alone? And look at the size of my hair! I don't just perform gender, I rent out a stadium for a Lada Gaga style stage spectacle.

I guess I'm just curious if, in this age of reclaimed domestic arts and hipster cooking and crafting and cupcakery, if anybody else refrains from cooking all together. And don't try to convince me that cooking is actually really fulfilling and relaxing and whatnot in the comments -- hateration only! Or tell me about your most disgusting apartment ever.