According to my best friend the OkCupid profile picture of me posing on a toilet wasn't going to get me hot dates.
“Um, what is this?” JJ asked with equal parts curiosity, amusement and disgust.
OK, so technically, I'm sitting on a toilet, but it's not like I'm taking a dump. This particular toilet is a special toilet. It had been ripped out of a bathroom, (hopefully) cleaned, spray painted in gold (classy) and converted into a racecar.
And like any normal person who attends their neighborhood's annual Toilet Bowl Race, when I noticed that my outfit matched the commode racecar, I snapped a picture and posted it on my online dating profile. That’s cool, right?
“First of all, you’re sitting on a toilet. That’s going to make guys imagine you going number two. Ew. And secondly, that hat is not working for you,” JJ added, laughing gently as he sipped his Prosecco.
JJ was right. Rather than attracting guys with my quirkiness, I was scaring them away with thoughts of doo doo! But what is a girl to do?
In most pictures, I look like a chipmunk. It’s almost impossible for me to scroll to old Facebook albums and not see myself as baby-faced and chubby. OkCupid research reveals that black women are the most ignored group on the site, so I'm banking on luring potential dates with nice pictures.
It sounds old-school, but when you get a message like this, "Hey, you’re kind of cute. Are you nice?," you start to rethink what you've been putting out there. Kind of cute?
“This one is hot,” JJ said as I eyed him skeptically over the top of my wine glass. “Use that one as your profile picture.”
I agreed that the picture was hot. My professional photographer friend Yvgenia took this picture after an anticlimactic but nonetheless painful breakup that left me feeling like I needed to reclaim my sexiness -- or find it in the first place. But is this the real me? Or does that even matter?
So I posted another picture to show that I’m not a Monet, and that I have nice boobies.
“Delicious,” said JJ when I showed him the pic of my D cups.
“Great.” And post.
I’ve been on OkCupid for two weeks now and still no date.
"The Rules for Online Dating," written when the Internet was in its infancy but still a useful guide, says that two pictures -- a pretty smiling face shot and a full body shot that shows your shape -- are sufficient. Any more than that and you're giving away too much too soon.
Still, I'm making a concerted effort to take pictures of me doing more interesting things than sitting on a toilet -- looking fresh-faced after a morning run by the lake, (which will have to be posed, because I don’t actually do that), laughing over drinks with my really cool friends, you know, stuff that doesn't creep guys out.
But if a picture is worth a thousand words what are those words exactly? Hot, quirky, ummmm boobies? Or "Nom nom nom. I like fries!"
In the end, I'm just trying to get out there, but so are like a gajillion other people. Everybody's just waiting to get picked and nobody wants a picture that keeps them on the sidelines. So tell me, xoJane, if you had only two pictures to slap on your online advertisement what would they be? Would you be jumping out of an airplane, making lasagna, reading to kids?