"I Can Introduce You Around As My Giraffe" and 33 Other OkCupid Messages I Didn't Reply To

"Will you be my date on Halloween? I'm thinking you can dress up as Esmeralda in high heels. and I'll be Quasimodo."

Aug 23, 2013 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

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This is my "incredibly turned on" face.

Sometimes I think I should offer a service where I Cyrano de Bergerac men's correspondence to women. But I don't have that kind of time, and I don't have that kind of patience. So in lieu of that, let me offer a Don't Do This Don't Guide for men on OKCupid.

Here are my gut reactions, and why I didn't write any of these wildly romantic suitors back.

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Message #1: "I may be the one for whom you have been looking???"

I actually got this clearly cut and pasted line sent from this guy twice. Two months apart. Dude needs an Excel spreadsheet.

Message #2: "I am a 36 y.o married man who is in an open marriage and also new to NJ. Being new I have found it hard to meet new people i can get to know. i am very easygoing and love to meet new people and explore new places. Would love to chat more if you are interested :)"
  


No.

Message #3: "Look at you . . .winning pix, winning profile. Witty, intelligent, and you have dogs? It doesn't get any better than that. Full disclosure . . . while I am no less than dreamy and dashing I do indeed drive a Prius. Yes, I'm fessing up. I just got it and the cars that had 'chick magnet' written all over them got 3 or 4 miles per gallon and I opted for the 50 mpg and a Green EZPass. That may kill any rakish adorable irresistible vibe I normally give off, but . . . it does have a sunroof and I think I deserve at least a little consideration. Focus on the dreamy, dashing, hysterically funny and chef like culinary prowess. I may not have all of those, but focus on them just the same. We find what we're looking for . . . I used to dance (think macho, not prancing big ole queen -- it's better for our future if you think macho -- though I did just say dancing and Prius in the same message . . . Oy, I could've slit my own MACHO throat. LOL have a great sunday."

Ellipses...and...homophobia...what...a...combo.

Message #4: "WOW.. 69% :)"

I get it. I also get that it's never happening.

Message #5: "Are you really 6'2" or just in heels? I am 5'11", could always where cowboy boots and get up to 6'1";) any way, I am pretty robust on several levels, and have pretty eclectic and widespread tastes in food, music, and art I am in no way typical, and I see you are in no way a typical woman... Willing to give it a shot if you are."

Yes, it's my hobby. Exaggerating my height on dating profiles. It's a sort of test. And only you figured it out, and caught me. Now we will be together forever.

Message #6: "hello there"

Sold.

Message #7: "I tried reading your articles on the web site, but it froze my computer. of course the banner adds kept loading and changing, but your content never was put on screen. My goal was to get a sense of who you are, and how public your life was."

Best neg ever. "What browser are you using? I'm so ashamed and so desiring to make it up to you via a no-strings-attached-relationship filled with plentiful casual sex and unlimited access to my wifi."

Message #8: "So, beyond the fact that OKC assures me that it would be impossible for us to hate each other (though I am in need of an arch-enemy these days) - I really love the same kind of people you love - so I'm hopeful that you 'are what you seek' and are surrounded by these types of people because you are also intelligent, funny, kind and all that other great stuff. 

I also think we have some stuff in common - including an inclination for comedy, lifestyle. As for myself, against your "message me if" list (some of this reflects popular opinions): 
yes, yes, very, very, please define your terms, and yes; sure (but if I wind up as mentioned subject I'd love to have some input into the pseudonym...); very (at times VERY very); tons, this is in the eye of the beholder, and hopefully this demonstrates that." 



Don't get ahead of yourself, buddy.

Message #9:"Hey,lets go to vegas and get married. We will be one family in 5hrs and then we can go Miami for honeymoon and will have enough babies so we have Superbowl sunday every weekend ;)"



Definitely.

Message #10: "oh, come on...this can't fail."



Kind of cute. Mostly lazy.

Message #11: "Consider me intrigued."
 


Thank you. But I'm not.

Message #12: "Tall : check. Writer : check 
Comedic : check 
Attractive : check 

"Comfortable dating someone with a public profile"...er..er..er..moth/flame/match/gasoline."

No.

Message #13: "Oh no! You went through some of your favorites, but food didn't make the list! Whatever to do? Ok, so that may have been a bit extreme, but what can I say, I have a HUGE passion for food. I also happen to love to cook. So are you much of a chef? How about one of your comfort foods after a rough day?"

I did not include the fact that I am a chef because as you surmised, I am not a chef.

Message #14: "Do you ever find it difficult to share so much of your life with the public? I don't think that I could do it."

Good opener.

Message #15: "Love your profile. I'm a writer as well and would love to have loads of drinks with you and discuss the possibility of robbing a bank together. Could be great fun."

Re-read my profile that you said you loved so much. It says I don't drink.

Message #16: "Hello there. I'm Fernando. I find u attractive and interesting person and I would like to meet u over coffee or drink. Let me know if u r interested."

Oh, Fernando.

Message #17: "Good morning, you are smokin hot just like the weather. Have a great day."

Thank you. You are also similar to a common meteorological phenomenon.

Message #18: "You're cute."

No, I am bored.

Message #19: "Good morning sunshine...Let's chat! P.S. Then you can probably just delete your profile because you aren't going to want to date anyone else after you date me!"

Yes, that's how I see this playing out, too.

Message #20: "Hello, .....I hope you're having a great day!! ........ I love your well-rounded profile :) ...you seem very multidimensional!....and I'd really love to learn more about you :) ... ........I was just perusing the site and your profile really stood out and resonated with me... ..I think that we're like-minded in MUCH of what you describe....and I connect with many of your sentiments... ......hopefully we can continue chatting further... .......I look forward to hearing from you and I wish you a WONDERFUL day."

I....am....very....multidimensional!!

Message #21: "Hi Mandy nice fotos and legs, if you believe in fate and romance as I do and you are willing to take a leap of faith with a man who wants something long term and serious, then reach out and say hello today. What I have found is if you wish to find love, then you need to possess character and integrity. Another important part is having things in common. My life is about staying fit so having that in common is a good start. Another important part to a successful relationship, is not taken ourselves so seriously because when we laugh, things just fall in place. Finally keeping life balanced and drama free are essentials because you do not want baggage from the past to drag you both down...well if you want to learn more about me and want the same things as I do. Lets find love together."

That's my motto: Another important part is having things in common.

Message #22: "Sort of stinky match numbers! Do you really believe them?"

I believe anything on the Internet.

Message #23: "would you ever take martial arts?"

Would you ever write something to capture my attention?

Message #24: "so amazingly wonderful to stumble upon you....had no choice but to walk over to where you are sitting and say, "hi"

Is this some weird role play thing? "Yes. You come closer to my chair. It is plastic. It is from IKEA. I cross my legs, with one calf brushing against the cheap orange vinyl. Oh my God, my posture. It's so...supported."

Message #25: "6' 2" - argh! :-( "

Wait, no! I'm sorry. Please don't go.

Message #26: "Hope the Sunday is going well... "

Is this indicative of your conversational skills? Dot dot dot.

Message #27: "Hi Mandy. Are you up for a glass of wine (or two), interesting conversation and politically incorrect laughs?"

I'm up for you reading my profile where it says I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL. Also asking if I'm up for some "politically incorrect laughs" is about as smooth as asking if I'm up for "good-time sexy-making."

Message #28: "Hmm, you're 6'2" and I'm 5'9". Will you be my date on Halloween? I'm thinking you can dress up as Esmeralda in high heels. and I'll be Quasimodo. I can introduce you around as my Giraffe, and you can make wise cracks on how hideous I am. Oh come on... it will be fun. :)"

The worst.

Message #29: "Soooooo how are ya, I ran across your profile and thought I would see how things are going for you on here. Have you been able to find your prince charming yet? Or are all the creepers filling up you in box (that sounds dirty I apologize, lol) with awkward and frightening messages? Anyhow I know it probably would work out as we the same height, but I had to say hello."

You know it would probably work out as we the same height?

Message #30: "So what do you think about meeting soon?"

I think you should check your entitlement, son.

Message #31: "Hi! I was reading your profile and thought I would write."

Fascinating.

Message #32: "Hmm..."

I'm riveted.

Message #33: "Great smile. Oh, sorry I was looking in the mirror at myself. Ok, your smile is better than British. I read your profile, and liked it. 1. you are a woman. 2. you have cool pictures, with no mug shot....and 3. you seem smart(I make bad first judgements.) and funny ( see previous () ). If you like let us chat....if not a pox on your houses.....well a more modern lose all your shoes."

I don't like.

Message #34: "Hey Mandy can I send you a couple review copies of my book?"

I call this "dateworking." If you like it, you'll love my new site: OKLinkedIn.

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