I’ve felt much better since I told your dad not to contact me. I went out with the girls for Emma’s leaving do and had such a great time and today I even flirted with a nice-looking young man in the office. Wild.
Alaina and the girls have taken to saying, "Is he your new baby-daddy?" when an even vaguely attractive man passes my way. It’s actually very funny even though the situation is completely the opposite.
You should know that all my friends have been amazing. Hopefully you’ll get to meet some of these wonderful women one day. They have been a mountain of strength and support for me. They’ve listened to conversations that have gone round and round in circles, been there when I’ve been crying floods of tears from the hurt he’s caused and made me laugh and look at the wonderful life ahead of me.
It’s funny but once I sent that email it was like getting, and sorry for using this awful word, but closure. The more I think about it, the less sure I am that I even want him involved once you’re born. I know he’s your biological father, but he’s absolved himself of all emotional and physical responsibility towards you and me.
I will never be able to forget or maybe even forgive him for the way he’s behaved. And part of me feels like it would be better if he wasn’t involved at all. Then one day, I’ll meet someone else who will be worthy of you and me because that’s what really matters. And that worthy man will be your daddy in every way but DNA.
But it’s so hard. I can’t now bear the thought of sharing you with him if he’s not with me. I don’t want you away from me. I already love you too much and he doesn’t...
I just felt you kick! It’s amazing. I’m crying and smiling!!! Please do it again, but also how sad for him that he wasn’t able to share. [I think I sat there for at least 20 minutes my hands pressed to my stomach willing you to do it again. You didn’t. Very stubborn]
…deserve to enjoy you when he’s acted so badly from the start. Gosh, see everything is tinged with sadness that I don’t have your dad to share everything with. But you may well have a fair few godmothers!
Anyway, I am going to go to sleep now and see if I can feel you kick some more.
8 May 2007
I’ve just realised that if you are a boy and I let you read this one day you’re probably not going to be very impressed with that nickname, Tiny Dancer. However, fear not, I also think of you as my little meatball which seems distinctly more manly.
Spent the weekend with the olds at home which was very restful. Mum felt you kick which was lovely for both of us and Saturday was the first day I’ve woken up and not thought sad or angry thoughts about Dan and that’s because my first thought was about you.
You’d given me two sharp kicks on the Friday night which was FANTASTIC and the absolute first thing I’d thought about when I woke up. Goodness I’m so in love with you already. Although I think a part of me feels like I still can’t be completely excited because of the situation.
I feel like I’m not really allowed to be filled with joy because the situation isn’t perfect. But I hate it. I want to be shouting from the rooftops about how wonderful it is but people show me pity when really it isn’t me they should be feeling sorry for. Not at all.
Saturday 26 May 2007
Had a few tears today. Mum asked me about Dan and I just got very upset. I’ve been thinking about him quite a lot recently. Not to the point that I cry all the time. It’s more anger. I’m really angry. I keep imagining what I would say to him if he does contact me.
And there is so much I want to say. I want to swear and shout at him and hurt him, physically, emotionally. Make him realise what he did, how much he hurt me. I keep wondering how I’m supposed to react to any contact from him. How exactly am I supposed to forgive him? I don’t know if I can. But I also know that I still have a lot of feelings towards him.
I’m clearly not indifferent to him as I wouldn’t think about him as much as I do. I guess, deep down, I still want him. I hate myself for it.
I just read a print out of an MSN conversation between us and I miss US. I miss him. I miss the chat, laughter and affection. I really did believe he loved me. But clearly he didn’t love me enough. I still wanted his child after all he’d done and the way he’d treated me.
Part of me desperately wants him to come crawling back. Begging forgiveness, regretting his every action or inaction as it were. I mean, the man didn’t ever inquire how I was, or you. It disgusts me. But what’s scary and what I’m trying to keep a lid on is the fact that I would probably have him back. And that’s quite a dangerous feeling, as it means I’m still open to getting hurt. And I’ve been hurt a lot this year by him.
Me and mum discussed acknowledging his birthday just to remind him of our existence but I’m so angry I don’t see why I should. The only thing I would consider is sending him the card I already have with a picture from your 21 week scan included, maybe that will bring you back to the forefront of his mind.
Anyway, I think I’m going to put a poll out with the girls on that one. For one thing I don’t want him to think I still care a lot and am sitting here pining for him cause I bloody well am not. Plus I’m still so angry at him I don’t see why he should get to see a picture of you when he hasn’t even bothered to ask how you are.
He is doing a great job acting like he doesn’t give a shit which one day I’m sure he’ll regret but why should I keep trying to make him see sense? He’s nearly 31 for goodness sake. He’s got his family and if they’re not ashamed or disappointed with the way he’s acting then I don’t want us to be any part of his family.
I went to a posh dinner on Thursday (24th) night. It was held by the PR firm for the Texan tourist board. So lovely Louise, Em and Lucy were there and it was at Mirabelles which is this lovely restaurant in Green Park.
There was champagne and lots of yummy food, smoked salmon to start followed by steak -- of course! -- and jolly posh mash potato followed by champagne soaked strawberries.
I was sat next to this very charming guy called Matt, whose wife was expecting twins at the end of October. He was the same age as Dan but couldn’t have been more different in relation to the baby. Matt was so excited and full of information and interest and wanted to talk about the babies. It made me really sad that Dan turned out to be such a disappointment. Such a let down.
And because Texas is pretty er, right wing everyone assumed I was married and I just couldn’t face telling the truth so I had to lie all night. It was awful. I wasn’t ashamed of you, I was ashamed of me.
And although mum still seems to be giving Dan a lot of slack, trying to make allowances for his situation, she didn’t know him, didn’t care about him. It’s much harder to remain objective.
I want to do the right thing by you but it’s not always easy my love, I don’t want to share you. You’re all mine as far as I’m concerned so I’m torn. I only want him to be a part of your life if he’s a part of mine. But I know I can’t be that selfish. I guess this is where being a parent begins and being me ends.