Hey guys!!!! I'm back from England! I missed you! Did you miss me? If you didn't you don't have to say so. You can lie. It's been a long couple of weeks and I'm feeling very fragile. Perhaps on account of that time I dehydrated myself like idiot people jerky, all for the purpose of fitting into a dress I did not ultimately wear. (I ended up going with this DVF dress, which was black and had some stretch and enough cleavage that I probably didn't need to sous-vide myself out of all those brain cells. There's me at the debate! It was so fun. Oh lord.)ANYHOW. My trip was amazing! I also have discovered hypnosis and I am in love. These things are all related, I swear.Before I left, I interviewed a licensed hypnotherapist named Colin Christopher, whose book "Success Through Manipulation" sounds like it should be one of those pervy books by men in stupid hats who use bed as a verb. Thankfully, Colin is nice and Canadian and politely laughed when I made a weird joke about being an axe muderer (I'm not a good interviewer!). He also has the most naturally soothing voice I've ever heard. It's like a lozenge for your brain. More importantly, he taught me some techniques for getting your idiot mind to work with you instead of against you, whether it be for the purposes of sleep or eating or dating. I love new agey stuff and I will pretty much try anything, so of course I downloaded all of the hypnosis freebies from his web site and immediately listened to all of them, ready to be id-diddled by his soporific northern baritone. I have the nervous system of somebody much more classily bred than I. Like, say, a French bulldog. I have insomnia, I stress eat or stress Don't Eat, I get super nervous in front of big groups and sexy dudes. I have to tell you, I have been loving the hell out of his "Relax and Reduce Stress." I mean, I'm still stressed, but now I use this to relax when I have the time or when I want to go to bed at like 2 AM. I'm too high strung to regular-meditate (I'll just start replaying old episodes of "Lois and Clark" in my head -- I don't know, it's a problem), but for some reason, Colin's voice just calms me down, like that thing where you put a hood on your pet falcon so it doesn't wig out and claw your face when you're just trying to enjoy its majesty.Colin also shared a hypnosis "love potion" which you can try at home. Here's how it works.Colin's One Minute Love Potion:1) Get really clear of the qualities you want in your ideal mate. Write down what your ideal mate looks like physically, mentally and emotionally. Writing it down, seeing it on paper and reading it over and over again helps to ingrain it into the subconscious mind.2) Pour your favorite drink and take a few sips. (Editor Julieanne Note -- Colin encourages booze for this, but I guess you could use tea. However, this fact alone makes him my favorite iteration of therapist ever.) Find a quiet place like your bedroom, lie down, take deep breathes in and out, and get very relaxed. Start to envision what your perfect man or woman looks like, the clothes they wear, how nice they smell, how secure you feel in their arms.3) As you're picturing yourself with your perfect mate, recite verbal suggestions such as “I am a beautiful person who is worthy of meeting the man or woman of my dreams,” “I deserve to be happy and in love,” and “I can’t wait to find my soul mate, start a family and spend many happy years together.” The more you say it while you’re seeing it, the more you will reprogram your mind and start to believe it. Feel free to come up with your own phrases that work for your situation.The hypnosis stuff that I tried doesn't actually involve talking to yourself, which is probably good, because I'm pretty sure my neighbors already think I'm some kind of sad, crazy Delores O'Livealone. (I talk to the TV a lot and have a tendency to say "Julieanne!" several times a day when I do things like leaving my straightener plugged in or dropping my toothbrush in the toilet.)Colin also says that you can use this same kind of nighttime visualization for other stuff, like getting a job you want. I asked him if there's anything you shouldn't use the love potion for, and he said no. Then I got an email from him a few minutes later with a qualifier: "The process doesn't work if the person is imagining someone specific. You can't make someone specific fall in love with you."Well, yes. We all saw how that turned out for Ursula the Sea Witch. You guys should give that a whirl and let me know how it goes. I don't want to try it because I kind of like-like somebody and I think it would be irritating if people suddenly started flocking to me with their boners out because I'd just have to tell them all to put it away and go home.I also encourage you to try the free stuff on his site, because dayumn. I can never normally sleep on planes without chemical assistance, but the sound of Colin's dulcet Canadian Xanax voice knocks me out like a big pan to the head. I was about as conscious as a warm pile of towels on the ride back from London, which was so unlike me.Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to review TWO NEW SEX KITS that came in the mail. Go out and get some zombie peen and report back while I make fun of people for sending me free lube.
Or just help you relax. Whatever.