Can the Internet Fix My Problem Uterus?

Eastern Medicine Meets Western Lack of Health Insurance

Aug 18, 2011 at 10:02am | Leave a comment

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Something is amiss inside me.

I don't know what it is but I'm really "off." My skin is a wreck and I am CRABBY (I never snap at my mom and I yelled at her for calling me before I've had my coffee -- who am I, Garfield?), and I am sleepy all the time. Worse yet: My period is over a month late. (I'm not pregnant, I am off sex this summer, remember?).

Sounds hormonal, right? So, having no health insurance and an adventurous spirit, I'm getting creative.

Which means
1. GOOGLE
and
2. Alternative Medicinnnnnnne

Before I shell out a bunch of money for a free clinic doctor to tell me I don't have PCOS or that I *do* have an expensive Thyroid condition, I'm going to try to right myself with Chinese medicine. A little cursory Internet searching reveals that my yang is off. (Oh, f--k, right?)

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This means I have too much heat within me (oh-kay) and that I need coolin', baby, Chinese medicine is not foolin. (Sorry.) The Western corrollary is "hypothryoidism," in which my hormones are way out of whack and need reregulating. Some sites suggest that I treat my Yang imbalance by eating ginger and cinnamon, taking supplements (something called You Gui Wan and Jin Kui Shen Qi Wan), sticking with raw foods, getting acupuncture, fasting with juice and avoiding broccoli and toothpaste (hmm!).

Can I ask you guys how much stock I should actually put in this kind of stuff? Because I've already switched to crystal deodorant and sort of believe in horoscopes. I'm just worried the next step is buying a rain stick and being one of those lunatic women in white sweatsuits who read books about how miracles are real.

So far I've put a cinnamon stick in some ginger tea (multitasking!) and ordered myself some of the supplements. I'll let you guys know how this goes. I don't know if it's going to work! I just want to stop being an jerk to my mom and get my dumb period.