The thing with animals is that they have terribly short lives. Ten years is nothing, an instant, a blur of walks and hugs and throwing massive sticks into lakes.
pets
insecurities
She may condition little girls to question their measurements, but I was more concerned with not having nipple-less breasts like hers.
perviness
There’s gotta be at least one other person out there who found the evil Child Catcher character in “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” super sexy, right? Right??
comedy
When you're supposedly funny, people are constantly saying you should do stand-up. I shouldn't.
porn
It almost seemed like my dad was doing the porn equivalent of making a kid smoke a ton of cigarettes as a punishment for catching them smoke, desensitizing me to the thrill of watching porn.
movies
Remember when I suddenly realized "Dirty Dancing" is actually a movie about an illegal abortion? That was kind of a shock.
dating
I understand what a man really means when he says, "Why do you put yourself out there?" He means, "I don't like it when you put yourself out there."
childhood
Teaching kids about money is hard -- we should cut ourselves some slack.
childhood
I'm in a REALLY foul mood and need to focus on happy things, like shampoo that reminds me of being a kid.
childhood
Just as soon as you give me advice on how to do it.
cartoons
I apologize in advance for this.
childhood
I call it "Dick Psychology" -- how our initial, childhood interactions with pensies are projected onto every guy we've been with thereafter, whether postive, traumatic or benign.
childhood
I showed up to the dinner table in my ninja suit and pulling out a large butterfly knife to cut my meat. We were having Vaca Frita (Cuban Fried Beef) and my butter knife just wasn’t sharp enough.
baton twirling
The most important thing you need to know about being a competitive baton twirler is that you will, at some point, get hit in the face with a whirling metal rod, and you will need to keep smiling.
barbie
Be a creep. Poo-poo tradition. Mock the Grim Reaper. Or spin DIY jewelry into wearable feminist concept art.
childhood
I have seen these peach binders filled with teenage advice often on visits home, sitting in the same drawer where I left them so long ago, but this time I gave them a closer look.
childhood
Some folks go to church to renew their faith in the inherent good of the world, and to gather the strength to carry on. I go to the Magic Kingdom.
boundaries
I admit it looks weird, and makes me cringe a little at first. But as someone who actually grew up on the end of a leash, I can only be grateful.
childhood
With proof, from my 5th grade diary.
