I am in the shittiest mood today. I'm kind of kidding, but I'm really, really sleep-deprived and in the middle of coordinating moving into an apartment that I saw for about five whole minutes the other day. Having things is such a hassle! You know what would be so freeing? A house fire. I could just start fresh! (I semi-kid again.)
As if my half-serious wish to set all of my daughter's belongings on fire doesn't cast me as The Worst Mom in the World, we're moving on October 31st, so there are zero Halloween plans for Charlotte this year. I'm also being thrifty about it by leaving out all the Halloween candy we have left over from last year for the kids that come by the apartment we're moving out of. I wouldn't give out old candy at the new one, just in case I kill any children. I wouldn't want to get off to a bad start with new neighbors. Bye, old neighbors!
When does wrapped-up candy go bad anyway? It must have a longer shelf life than all of the things that I Google for botulism potential and if one person online ate or drank something and didn't die from it, then I go for it. My record so far: year-old eggs and three-year-old yogurt. A commenter last week suggested that I could get food poisoning from coffee left in the fridge for months and I was like, "Ha! That's child's play!"
I'd love to read your stories about the oldest food you've eaten. I'd love to read anything you post in the Open Thread comments, including song lyrics, your favorite punctuation mark, the name of the fragrance you're wearing right this second, or the answer to any of these talking-about-anything-is-better-than-talking-about-nothing questions:
- What's the best customer service experience you've ever had?
- What's your favorite Janet Jackson song? (I ask because, like so many people, I've had "Nasty" stuck in my head since the final presidential debate.)
- Do you run hot or cold?
- What not-at-all-sexual word is a turn-on for you when you hear it?
- What type of candy is so disgusting it should perish in a fire? (Perhaps in my fantasy apartment fire.)
Regardless of if you feel like answering any of those, I highly recommend joining me — and each other — in the comments even if it's just to say hi or throw a verbal tomato or let your cat walk across the keyboard. Say hello if you're new, give or ask for advice on anything at all, big or small, say congratulations or I'm sorry or that's the cutest kitty I've ever seen or whatever comments to each other's comments you think will help each other out.
I'm not going anywhere for the next few days — just sitting in my apartment surrounded by boxes — and there's no place I'd rather be than right here talking, commiserating, arguing, speculating, and celebrating with you all.
P.S. I'm kidding with that headline, because obviously it's not a competition and what constitutes a "better" comment anyway? A great comment is a comment at all, period. And the greatest comments are when you make 10 or 20 or 30 of them, or as many as you damn well please. It's easy and fun. The barrier to entry is below sea level, and the rewards are soaring into space. How could you not comment again and again now and throughout the weekend, knowing that?