I love the range of questions I get for this advice column so much. My little (still-cracked-screen) phone just happily buzzes through the night, during dull presentations, when I'm waiting for my Uber to show up, and when I'm at an event and have no one to talk to and want some excuse to have to be on my phone in a corner.
And it's YOU texting me with your issues that you are wanting some help with! So lovely! Thank you!
This week's question came in one whole week ago. Which is not really the idea behind this column, which is supposed to be about the quick advice I (usually) give y'all right when you ask for it. The other thing about this column is that it is specifically based on texts, because, you know, voyeuristic appeal, and because the questions and the advice are as short as you can cram into a quick text.
Well, we went a little longer this time text-wise, so I (Amber) am (is) also providing you with a little handy "transcript" of the text this week for your reading ease.
As you will see, this sweet embarrassed reader wanted YOUR help. She asked for you specifically.
READER: "Hi Jane, I’m a longtime reader. My WWJD is super embarrassing. So, I hate having my boobs touched. I have since the first time someone touched them when I was 14. My boyfriend loves touching them and I physically can’t stand it. I’ve told him to avoid my nipples but honestly any boob touch when we aren’t actively having sex makes me feel unsafe and objectified, like he wants something from me.
I was raped once but it was while I was blacked out so I don’t think it has to do with that ’cause I have no memory of the incident. And I’ve always hated boob stuff, even before that. (And yes, I am in therapy.) Recently, things in my life have been crazy stressful. He’s been very accommodating, cuddling and massaging me to try and help. But he touches my boobs during that interaction and I just wind up feeling like I have no escape from stress in my home/my own bed. I finally told him my secret this morning because I honestly couldn’t stand it anymore.
He’s so upset, I think a mixture of being angry I said nothing over the last 4 years of our relationship and also feeling freaked that there’s a 2 huge parts of me I’d rather not let him touch. He keeps asking how we can get around this and the only thing I want to do is let him touch them through a bra. Even that is kind of cringe for me. Our libidos are already mismatched, he’s more sexually active than I am, but I’m not asexual or anything. I love being intimate with him but I have legit boob phobia. How do I get the man I love to lay off my boob? (And if this gets published, maybe some commenters can help reassure me that I’m not a complete freak, I’m honestly to embarrassed to even talk to my friends about this.)"
JANE: "I will definitely get you a good answer to this. I just finished the one that will run tonight, so I will write you back and then use this one next week. Hang in there and XO!"
READER: "Wow, thanks you are the coolest."
While I don't share her specific problem, I do have some sexual abuse in my past and do relate to the feeling of not being able to escape stress in my own bed when even it's someone I trust who's in it. Do you relate to her? Either way, could you all please weigh in here with whatever you have to offer her?
Even if you have achieved full self-love and sexual liberation, I'm sure there's been a time in your life when you've felt mismatched or misunderstood. Let's get together and get a wealth of advice, stories and confessions for this reader to choose from.