Our friends over at Buzzfeed just shared their first time getting drunk stories. That sounded like a challenge to us, so things got a little wild in the xoJane editorial mailing list today as we exchanged harrowing tales of humiliation, bad beer, and our teenage years.
While I’d had alcohol before (wine with dinner and that sort of thing), one day in my freshman year of high school I set out to conquer drunkenness like any other sort of scientific experiment. I got one of the skeezy older guys I rolled with to buy me a bottle of SKYY and settled in on the couch for a day of dedicated drinking, steadfastly guzzling the better part of the bottle mixed with cranberry juice.
For some reason I decided it would be a fantastic idea to watch “Titanic” while doing this.
The first time I drank beyond an illicit beer or two in high school was when I went to Ireland with my grandma when I was sixteen. My Nonna likes to drink, a LOT, and I went from drinking virtually nothing to splitting bottles of wine with her in our hotel room before wandering around Galway pointing at things and leaning on each other. Probably the most memorable of these instances was when she and I decided to order many, many Jamesons-on-the-rocks in Dublin and then request "Danny Boy" about six times each from every live musician at each pub we staggered into. They would play it, we would clutch each other and cheer, and then we would go up and ask them to play it for us again.
Even so, the first time I got VERY drunk was in my first week in college. It was off like four beers, because I could not hold my alcohol despite all the Jameson drinking the summer before. I kept falling over and saying, wonderingly, "Oh my God! It doesn't hurt! I feel like a superhero!" Also: "I love Harry Potter, you guys. I have the first page of the third book memorized. 'HARRY POTTER WAS A HIGHLY UNUSUAL BOY IN MANY WAYS.'" I also tried to climb out a frat's first story window to pee and then came out to all my new floormates as bi. I promptly forgot about it until my soon-to-be-BFF told me the next day. I had a minute of panic before she rolled her eyes and reminded me she was from Seattle and did not give a shit.
I was seventeen and figured it made sense to see what "drunk" was like before college. I went to a party at a friend's house where I promptly drank seven rum and cokes, loudly proclaimed "THIS DOESN'T DO ANYTHING." I then slammed my mug (tasteful) down and shattered the glass coffee table of said friend's parents. I ran home crying and woke up my mom to tell her that 1.) I was sorry and 2.) I was probably dying from the rum.
I hate to admit this, but I don't actually remember the first time I got drunk. I suspect it was at a house party in 8th grade... I vaguely remember raiding the parents' entire liquor cabinet and then at one point I remembered that Vanilla Extract had alcohol in it and I stole some from the kitchen... YES I DRANK VANILLA EXTRACT. I also think I fell asleep in a room where people were having sex.
The best story, however, occurred a few years later. My best friend and I met up with some boys we were friends with and bought a jug of Carlo Rossi that we took to Children's Playground in Golden Gate Park. It was dark and deserted, but not so dark and deserted that a homeless man didn't find us and join us. We all just passed the jug around until we were wasted. At that point, the homeless man invited us back to his squat, which was actually just a really nice house that was on the market and empty. I tried to walk up the stairs to the second floor, but was so drunk that I puked and then just laid there, my face by the puddle of vomit. Eventually, I made it into one of the empty bedrooms and slept on the carpeted floor. The best part? My mom was out of town. Like, I 100% could have stumbled in wasted at 4 a.m. no problem. But instead, well... yeah. The moral? Do not drink wine from a jug. Ever.
I don't remember the actual first time I got drunk, or even really my first drink, as I did quite a bit of underage drinking, but I'm sure it was either on "wine" by Boone's Farm, or maybe Miller Lite or something horrible like that. I do remember the first time I smoked a cigarette -- sophomore year of high school, there were maybe 10 of us sitting in the attic at some kid's house, and this guy named Kelly gave me a Marlboro Red and taught me how to smoke it. NO WAIT I MEAN DON'T SMOKE OR DRINK, KIDS.
I was 13 and my slutty best friend made me a mixture of Cherry Vodka, Gin, and Mad Dog 20/20 in a Big Gulp cup and called me a pussy when I said it tasted bad. SHE WAS SO TOUGH. I then went on to be an alcoholic, as you may have read on xoJane.com.
I was embarrassingly older than most first-timers at 23 (almost 24). I was working as a sales associate at Anna Sui, and she invited all of her store employees to her Fall 2003 fashion show. Fashion Week always had alcohol sponsors back then, and that year it was Courvoisier, which I'd never had before. I tried all four cocktail options before her show, and on the way out I almost stepped on Andre Leon Talley's cape.
First time I was DRUNK drunk, I was fifteen. My mom was in Las Vegas. We threw a party, I had a couple of Cape Codders, and my sister and I became convinced we should shave my head with the shears we used to give our cockapoo, Opie, his summer hairdo. We did. I was like Vin Diesel bald. Not really a hot look for me.
I was in 9th grade. I drank two Bud Lights at a house party; I consumed both while sitting on the lap of a senior boy from Collegiate whose girlfriend was a senior at my school. The next morning I complained so much about my hangover to my friends (had no hangover). What a loser!
I was 14 and grounded. My parents went out for the night. I called my friends who were hanging out without me somewhere. They were drunk and I was jealous, so I took started taking sips from everything in my parents liquor cabinet and from the two half-drunk bottles of wine on the kitchen counter. I thought I was being all stealth, like if I drank equally from each bottle nobody would notice.
I spent most of the night calling my friends to see how drunk they were and telling them how drunk I was. So I basically got drunk alone, my first time. Alone and ON THE PHONE. Doesn't MTV have a special about this?
My parents came home to me curled up in the fetal position in the shower complaining of a "tummy ache."
All right, we showed you ours...