I was hosting a going-away party for my friend who was moving to Australia. The house was littered with PBRs and old stories of our college years. Friends I haven't seen in years showed up, including this one guy I had a crush on and never told him.
We were chatting in my back patio and in I drunkenly, stupidly smiled at him. "I think you want me to kiss you." I giggled.
That was our first kiss. On February 28th, I finally got to kiss Roger.
At the time I didn't have high hopes for us. I was planning on a one night stand and maybe another casual hook-up in the future. Roger was different. He knew how to be non-threatening to me. He just wanted to be there. Three weeks later he said it was OK if he wasn't my boyfriend but I was his girlfriend to him. He was perfect for me.
We were together for five months. That's definitely not that long to be with someone, but for me it was a big deal. Relationships have never been my thing. I’ve had always had extreme commitment issues.
So when I found someone who was laid back and just waited for me to open up to him I was elated. Everything seemed perfect. We never fought. We smiled and laughed and everything was perfect.
At 2 months he told me he loved me. And I loved him too. Oh man, I loved him more than anything.
After 3 months of dating, he met my parents. They talked about grandkids so much it must have freaked him out because then he sat me down to tell me he didn’t want kids in the near future. This was a big issue for him and he just wanted to be truthful.
For me, all I knew was that I wanted him. Before being with him I was convinced I would just get knocked up by some random one night stand and I would go live my Gilmore Girls life as a single mom, but I never needed a child to be complete me. I knew if I had to choose between him and a child I would choose him.
I told him that I would do anything to keep him and if he didn’t want to have children right now, then that was OK. We wouldn't have children.
Before Roger, it was two years since I had a steady sex partner so I decided to get off the pill and rely on condoms. When I realized Roger was going to stick around I decided to start on the pill. We had a conversation about it. I said we needed a plan B in case my hormones weren't regulated enough.
I asked him what he would want to do if I did get pregnant. He told me he believed in the woman's right to choose. Like I said. He was perfect. We had plans to go to Hawaii.
Five weeks after that conversation, I found out I was pregnant.
I was scared. I was ashamed. I felt stupid and ill-prepared. I was freaking out. I called him. He was perfect. Everything I needed to hear, he said. He said he just wanted to be there with me. I felt so lucky that this was the man I was going through life with.
That weekend we celebrated my birthday — more in love than ever. He gave me a beautiful diamond necklace. Wrote me a beautiful card saying how he was excited to spend so many more years with me.
I asked him how he felt about the pregnancy. He said again that he just wanted to make sure I was OK. Then he said that he doesn't feel the same about kids any more. He would want to try to have kids in three years. I was ecstatic when he told me this. This made the abortion so much easier for me. Knowing that we would have another chance, that one day I would have a child from the love of my life.
Two days after my birthday, I was bleeding. I went to the ER and I had a threatened miscarriage. My mom had over five miscarriages. I have always known that being pregnant would be a struggle for me. He was worried for me, but I knew I was fine. "I guess the baby doesn't want to be here either."
The day of the abortion he hugged me. Said he loved me. Held me. I never felt so protected and safe.
After the abortion, something changed. He held me harder. I realized he was crying. I asked him to tell me what was wrong. He wouldn’t tell me. I begged. Nothing. He did this for two days. I asked him if we did the right thing and he said we did. He said it was the right thing to do. It was what was best for us.
The Monday after the abortion he called me to tell me he didn’t think he could be my boyfriend any more. He didn’t want to be with someone who aborted his baby.
He never once told me he was against abortions or that he was against someone aborting his children. But back when we discussed having kids and I said I would do anything to make him happy. Even if that meant aborting our child. He thought to himself how he would break up with me if I ever did abort his child. But he didn’t think to tell me this. Ever.
He thought I was careless for getting pregnant and using abortion as an option. He’s 31. You would think he would understand the general consequences of having sex. He definitely should have never have cum inside me if he felt that way.
I told him I started birth control a week after we started sleeping together, but I hadn't had the pill for over two years. If he felt that strongly about abortion and not having kids I would have scheduled an IUD as soon as possible.
He didn't care. He has already moved on from this. I asked him why.
"You would have kept the baby," he replied.
I was so appalled. Of course I would have kept the baby. I wanted to have kids. I told him he had no right to keep that from me. He set us up to fail. He didn't care. He said that he would always love me as a friend, but he was over this and had nothing nice to say anymore.
Four days from that break up, I would board a plane by myself to Hawaii.