I Don't Really Want To Hear About That Time You Pooped Your Pants

It's unladylike for women to fart in public, and I'm not anti-feminist because I think so.

Apr 7, 2014 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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Casually modeling in an airport bathroom

I was on a date, walking to dinner with a guy when he asked, “What’s your best sh*tting your pants story?” 

First of all, best? Like that would mean I have more than one instance of sh*tting my pants, which I don’t. Is that a normal question to ask a girl on a date?  I was a little turned off and told him I didn’t have any. He insisted on telling me about sh*tting his pants on a golf course. Cool, thanks?

Maybe I’m scarred from being lactose intolerant and eating ice cream every day when I was a kid and spending lots of painful time in the bathroom, but I don’t find anything funny about pooping or farting. When the punch line to your story is, “and then I sh*t my pants,” it’s rare that I’m amused.

The very funny Sara Barron devoted an entire chapter of her new memoir "The Harm in Asking" to farting. She talks about staying with her friends in a hotel who forced her to sleep on the balcony because she couldn’t stop farting. Despite its short length, Barron noticed that every time she did an interview about her book, the interviewer focused on that particular essay.

So she wrote a piece about the sexism of farting. We are taught that farts are masculine, and we teach girls that it’s gross. When men fart, it’s funny. When women fart, they’re being unladylike. Barron says that "pretending we’re not capable of such things" is a patently anti-feminist attitude, and I disagree.

I’m not a girly girl at all, I wear jeans most of the time and have only had one manicure in my life. I think women are amazingly beautiful goddesses who have the choice to radiate either masculinity or femininity without criticism. If you want to fart in public and talk about your poop, I won't judge you. 

But personally, I choose to keep bathroom issues to myself. I have no problem with female friends talking about their juice cleanse bowel movements, but rarely do I reciprocate. Not wanting to fart in public or talk about my poop does not invalidate my spot in the feminist world. I don’t believe women should feel ashamed for wanting to keep their facade as fart-less humans.

It's like that episode of "30" Rock where Jenna said, “Love is wearing makeup to bed and going to the Burger King to poop.”

There’s nothing more horrifying than being at a new guy’s house and having to poop. It’s basically my worst nightmare. I had a conversation with a girl where we talked about relationships getting to the “I can finally wash my face before bed” phase. Everyone goes through the same stages of getting more comfortable in their relationships.

The guy I’m dating now has no problem peeing when I’m in the bathroom brushing my teeth.  He’ll even come in and have a conversation with me about basketball when I’m sitting on the toilet after sex.

One of my exes Tweeted, “I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for 5 months and I haven’t found any evidence that she has pooped.”

Damn right he didn’t.