I’m lying on the bathroom floor, examining my ceiling vent and wishing I could wonder how I got here, but I can’t.
I know exactly how I got here.
This is not an article about bisexual, pansexual, or women whose sexuality comes at a particular perpendicular slant. This is an article about straight girls who are down to fuck girls and the lesbians who love flipping them. This comes not out of judgement or sincere concern, but rather an affectionate appreciation of our collective bullshit, and most of all this comes from life experience -- my own in particular, as well as those of the gay women I routinely interrogate for deeply personal life information.
This is about Lindsay Fucking Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan is the ultimate straight-girl-down-to-fuck-girls (heretorfore to be known as SGDTFG because that’s catchy). On May 4th, The Daily Mail published an interview between Piers Morgan and Lindsay Lohan that embodies the SGDTFG mentality and motivations.
Piers Morgan: “Do you know what your sexuality really is?”
Lindsay Lohan" “Yes. I like boys.”
Piers Morgan" “Do you think you’re bisexual?”
Lindsay Lohan- “Not really. I like being in a relationship with a guy. But there’s something just different about it with a woman. When I was with Samantha (Ronson), I didn’t want to leave, because I didn’t want to be alone. It was very toxic. And her family controlled anything she did.”
Piers Morgan" “Were you in love with her?”
Lindsay Lohan: “I still love her as a person.” [Personal note this is my favorite straight girl saying ever ever.]
Piers Morgan" “But were you IN love with her?”
Lindsay Lohan" “I think there was a point when I was.”
Piers Morgan: “So you’re probably straight?”
Lindsay Lohan: “No, I know I’m straight. I have made out with girls before, and I had a relationship with a girl. But I think I needed to experience that and I think I was looking for something different.”
WHY STRAIGHT GIRLS FUCK GAY GIRLS
What factors contribute to the straight-girl-down-to-fuck-girls (heretofore to be known as SGDTFG) phenomena? Two stick out.
First, there’s the perfectly natural disillusionment that comes with dating real people, particularly young real people (such as myself) who don’t know what they want but do know how to fuck shit up. Guys, like women, can and will be massively disappointing assholes.
Second, we live in a sexist culture that perceives and portrays women as objects to be consumed for sexual gratification. Have you listened to the radio lately? I do, not only because I live in the car-commuting wasteland that is SoCal but because Rap radio to be the last enjoyable radio on air. Men don’t just talk about girl-on-girl as attractive, they talk about it as expected from heterosexual women.
I honestly feel not just pity, but anger on behalf of straight women who are being told it’s obligatory to have sex with someone they’re not attracted to in order to attract someone else. Maybe I take the issue a little personally because of my years unhappily dating men, but it really does upset me to think of other girls feeling obligated to fake attraction. That sort of thing takes a toll, even if you don’t notice it at the time.
On the other hand, some SGDTFG take great delight in the intimate sense of community fostered by a gay community. For someone disillusioned with the world at large or seeking true identity, the sense of community that comes with being gay can be very appealing.
Plus there's the appeal of the emotional and physical intimacy of someone who knows how your parts work very well. I’d put money on the average 23-year-old lesbian being way better at getting a girl off than your average 23-year-old man. Any day, all day, I will make that bet.
WHY GAY GIRLS FUCK STRAIGHT GIRLS
Being gay can be really tricky and cliquey and straight-up harsh. Because there’s not nearly as many gay people as straight people, gays find ourselves faced with the grim choice of frequenting straight establishments that are chill but filled with straight people (and therefore empty of hope) or going to a gay bar filled with people you’ve met 3,000 times but don’t really connect with, $14 long islands, and strobe lights. I really blame men for the strobe lights, but whatever.
For lesbians, acquiring a straight girl isn’t just practical (OMG there are so many of you), it’s desirable. First, there’s an ego boost. By dating a straight girl, we find ourselves comfortably situated in straight establishments without losing the ability to grabass in the bathroom.
Another uglier aspect of this whole affair is the ego-boost that comes with dating someone of a different sexuality. Lesbians feel powerful and attractive in the knowledge that they, and only they, altered a woman’s sexuality. It might not be pretty but it’s human.
For lesbians, another draw is sheer availability. According to census approximately 3.5% of American adults identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Do you have any idea how fucking bleak that is? Imagine walking into a bar filled with 100 people. Take away 96 of those (I don’t even know how to handle 1/2 so I’ll be generous) and then take away 2 for being the opposite gender. Those are your options. Can you blame us dabbling in the other 96%?
Particularly for lesbians attracted to stereotypically feminine girls, it’s like waving candy in front of a baby and saying “No sorry you’re a woman.”
WHY IT ALL GOES WRONG
The thing about faking it is while it’s easy in the short term, in the long run it proves nearly impossible. Being someone else 24/7 takes an unwavering dedication most of us do not possess.
“It’s over when the girls starts showering alone,” observes Aimee, a lifetime homosexual who can boast that her last 3 girlfriends were straight. As initial interest dwindles, the SGDTFG finds herself less and less interested in being intimate with a woman rather than man. Bored by the lack of attention, the lesbian finds her eye wandering to fresher and more attentive pastures.
Inevitably the couple breaks up and each person moves on with their life. SGDTFG take with them the sense of adventure and possibility that comes with bucking the heteronormative lifestyle, and lesbians will be every-gratified to know that they hit it first, last, and only. Everyone likes to feel special.
This brings us to my bathroom floor and to Layla, an exceptionally beautiful and brilliant SGDTFG. Last week, after realizing the lovely and talented Layla was a lovely and talented liar, I did the practical thing and unceremoniously informed her to get and stay the hell out of my life.
Not to get all Taylor Swift but I knew that green eyed, Adderall-plagued girl was trouble the moment she walked into the bar and bought me a fancy beer, but I didn’t care because it felt really good.
The thing about patterns is they don’t just form around us -- we fall into them. With each SGDTFG that flows in and out of my life, I find myself repeating my part of the pattern, picking the kind of girl I know won’t stay for long.
A few weeks ago, while cooking dinner, Layla burst into a funny, awkward sort of dance and I joined her and then there we were, dancing in the kitchen like two normal happy people who love to be with one another. At first I laughed, but then I remembered how, only two months before that, my ex-girlfriend and I danced around that very same kitchen making similar food on a night just like this one. For a horrible moment I felt terribly sad, thinking of all the smiling girls I’ve danced with at only 23.
I saw the future rolling out in front of me in a never-ending line of girls who smile, then scowl, then depart. The pattern forms around you and then it absorbs you and until just like that, you’ve hardened.