It took me 43 years to find the perfect man for me. His name is David, and he is a 54-year-old working actor and financial advisor. He’s so perfect for me that I honestly feel he was more than worth the wait. David is handsome, smart, funny, outgoing, sexy, sweet and he not only accepts all of my weird quirks but loves me for them. I can be completely myself, we’ve never had a real argument in the three years we’ve been together, there’s never been a harsh word between us, and most of the time we spend together, no matter what we are doing, involves a lot of laughing and kissing.
It’s been pretty sweet, and I’m amazed at how it keeps getting better and better. I never thought it would happen to me. I mean I always knew I’d eventually meet the right man, but I never thought the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with would be a Republican.
How much of a Republican? Fox News has suddenly become a part of my life, I go to Atlantic Legal black tie affairs and when David spots my copy of New York Magazine on the coffee table he picks it up, skims the cover and mutters, “Godless commie rag.” His father, (with whom he lives) has a framed sign in his bedroom that reads, “I’d still rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than get into a car with Ted Kennedy,” and David has a T-shirt that reads, “I’m a Republican Because Someone’s Gotta Work.”
In another place and time I wouldn’t have had a drink with a guy like that, much less engage in a monogamous relationship with him. But when you get older your mind opens up -- at least it has for me -- and we get along so well and have such a huge amount of passion for each other I just end up rolling my eyes and laughing at most of this. Except for when Obama won the last election, then I said to David, “Well, maybe in the next election your people will choose a candidate that supports gay marriage and the right to choose.” Those are my own reasons for never voting Republican. He didn’t take much comfort in that.
I met David on Match.com, something else I never ever thought I’d do. I loved being single and meeting men randomly, and I was never lonely because I’ve been blessed with wonderful friends and a great family. I’ve always been fiercely independent and never looked for a man to support me financially. As a career gal, I prided myself on making my own money and always found satisfaction in buying the things I desire.
But after working as a publicist for corporations in the adult entertainment industry for 20 years and deciding to make a go of it on my own, I suddenly felt the need to have a real partner, someone I could count on and who would be the rock in my hectic, high-pressure life. I suddenly didn’t have the patience to politely speak to guys I had nothing in common with even for 30 minutes before I could get down to why they were there, so I could get laid. With the increase of responsibility in my professional life I wanted someone to truly kick back with and feel comfortable with, while keeping passion in my life.
About one month into posting on Match, I met David, and a month after that we went on our first date, first to a cigar bar and then to a steakhouse where he planted a deep kiss on me after I asked him, “So are you having a good time so far?”
It was one of those things that rarely happens, when you meet someone and you just feel like giggling. I liked him right away, and he later told me that by the third date he was hooked. We both bid an adieu to our booty calls and got on with our relationship. Just like that, we didn’t have to even think. It was exactly what I wanted.
David didn’t tell me he was a Republican right away, probably for the same reason I didn’t tell him that I’ve worked my entire adult life in the adult entertainment industry, because people have preconceived notions on what kind of person you are when you let that kind of information out from the get-go. Being that we hit it off right from the start, I think we both wanted the other to get to know each other before letting that cat out of the bag.
Then one day he called me from his day job and said, “So someone in the office decided to Google your name,” and I groaned. Google has never been my friend. I’ve usually told men NOT to Google me, because when men see that you’re the author of “The Naughty Little Book of Blowjobs,” and see photos of you with porn stars they’ve jerked off to many times, they either think they’ve hit the orgy jackpot or they get really intimidated, and it makes dating tougher than you’d think.
And then the questions, the questions. I’d start to feel like I was being interviewed, not having a mutual conversation. “Have you ever done porn yourself? Have you ever been to a porn set? Can we have a three-way with a Penthouse Pet?” It’s very irritating. And there have been men who didn’t ask me questions but said, “I don’t know, Lainie, I’m not a swinger. I mean you seem like a nice girl, but I don’t think I could keep up with you.” Before they’ve even gotten a chance to get to know me, it’s over.
“Oh god, what did you see?” I groaned. David told me what he saw was a self-made woman who has made quite a career for herself. Sure he mentioned my blowjob book, but after that he was more impressed with me than anything else. Not because it was porn but because he saw me as a business woman and a hard worker. Republicans, they like hard workers.
“So you’re cool about me working in the porn industry? Because I really love it and I have no plans of leaving,” I said.
He laughed and retorted, “Oh c'mon, it’s not like I found out you volunteered for the Obama campaign.”
And there it was, he was a Republican, and a staunch one as that. The way my family is really big about being Jewish and honors our history to the hilt, the identity of David’s family revolves around them all being Republicans. It’s sort of like their religion. His older brother Chris was the Republican Party Chair for the state of Connecticut and his father Tim ran for Congress against Caroline Mahoney and helped with the William F. Buckley New York mayoral campaign. David has kept himself busy as a Republican poll worker in East Harlem, is a fundraiser for the Atlantic Legal Foundation, was a development officer for The Manhattan Institute, and belongs to an exclusive club called “The Friends of Abe.”
He’s also had the desire to run for Congress himself. “Are you kidding? You can’t run for anything like that when they find out what I do,” I said, “What would you tell people?”
He put his arm around me and said, “I’d tell people that you have been instrumental in keeping couples together for over 20 years. You do nothing illegal, you’re a productive member of society, you’re a sweet, Jewish girl and what you do makes people forget about their problems.” Then he told me he’d like me to dress in leopard suits like Ann Margret did in the movie, "Tommy," which I had to admit I could totally rock.
I’ve never been a political person myself, the most I ever got into politics was helping out my pal Kristin Davis in 2009/2010 when she was running for Mayor of New York, and even then I used my porn contacts for fundraisers and publicity. I never thought about it all that much. I keep myself informed as anyone should and have always voted Democrat because I’m a big believer in gay marriage, am pro-choice and I'm in favor of the legalization of drugs.
But other than that, politics haven’t been my thing, except for the politics of dealing with people, since as a public relations person, if you can’t get along with everyone on some level you’re not going to get too far. So I’ve always been a Viva La Difference kind of person -- that’s been my motto and it works for me. It wasn’t until I fell in love with David did I realize something. Left-wing men have been real dicks to me.
You’d be about surprised how many liberals have had issues with me outside of the bedroom. I remember when I was casually seeing an organizer for the musicians union. We both had long hippie hair, smoked grass and loved music, but after that, we didn’t like each other much at all. He told his friends that he could never take me seriously because what would his colleagues think of him dating a woman who exploits other women, who writes about sex and who doesn’t take life or herself seriously.
I know because his friends told me, and once he did ask me about how I felt about what I was doing. I told him I loved what I did, that it made me feel happy and useful and how many people did he know who were excited about going to work every day? He let it go and as we went on I found out how incredibly uptight and rigid he was.
When he showed me his police arrest record for picketing factories that later got shut down, I asked him if what happened to all of those laborers who needed this job to support their families: “My grandparents and my dad worked for a lot of factories and sweatshops, they saved their money and bought a building in Hoboken. Do you get them jobs?” A lot of left-wing people don’t seem to realize that the very people they are fighting for don’t want their help, thank you very much.
He thought I was a vacuous moron, I could tell, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to fuck my brains out whenever he wanted to. And eventually I got disgusted and stopped seeing him. And when I did, one of his best buddies called me and asked me out; in his circle of friends, women were disposable and interchangeable, and yet I was a horrible person because I promoted porn stars and centerfolds who were independent women doing what they enjoyed and getting paid nicely for it.
Then there’s the whole "God issue." I had a relationship for a few years with a man who despised two things: The Right Wing and Religious Zealots. I am neither and he knew that, but he would say, “I think you’re such a sharp, intelligent person, and then I remember that you believe in the notion that God exists.” To him, believing that there’s something bigger and greater than what we can see means you also believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Sure, like everyone else, I’ve questioned the existence of God, and the years of Yeshiva didn’t make me a fan of organized religion.
But in my heart I’ve always been a believer. I have absolutely no problem with the atheists in my life, and there are many. Again, I’m live and let live, I don’t shove what I believe in people’s faces. You don’t believe in God, that’s fine by me, whatever works for you, but watching my boyfriend at the time yell at his grandmother for emailing him, “religious propaganda material,” I found a bit much. Why couldn’t he just delete them and leave it at that?
Of course, I’m not saying that every left wing man has been a jerk, but these particular men stick out in my mind. I remember Barbara Walters asking Barbara Bush how she felt as a woman about her husband George being pro-life, and Barbara smiled and said, “My husband and I don’t always agree,” and left it at that.
David has never asked me not to tell people that I work in the adult industry to anyone. Not to his parents, his brothers, his sister, his colleagues, or friends. I’ve been put in that position many times in the past, not just by lovers but some friends. It’s always uncomfortable for me, when I have to pretend to be something I’m not. David doesn’t really care about what I do at all, he just cares about me. He’s a guy’s guy and quite frankly my tales of beautiful porn stars bore the hell out of him.
When I’ve taken David to adult entertainment events he wanders off to watch sports on the club TV. I once took him to Exxxotica, a porn/lifestyle convention in New Jersey, and after I introduced him to business associates and clients he went to the snack bar, sat down, pulled his hat over his eyes and took a nap. I found him snoring away surrounded by half naked women, he couldn’t have cared less; he was only there for me.
Not to say David doesn’t like porn -- what man doesn’t? But porn is just entertainment to him, and maybe as a mainstream actor he understands that. And he did have the Queen of Dirty Cable, Robin Byrd, sign his autograph book, mostly reserved for military and political figures, and she got a kick out of that, too.
If you saw David and I walking down the street you might think we look weird -- he in his three-piece suit, bow-tie and old-timey "Boardwalk Empire" array of hats and me in my motorcycle jacket, wild, long hippie hair and platform shoes. But on closer inspection all you will see is two people in love and enjoying each other’s company. That’s what really matters, wouldn’t you say? Time will tell and in the meantime, be happy for me. At the end of the day, it’s all about love, not who you vote for, but how we treat each other. And if I sound like a fool in love, I’d say you’re absolutely right.