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Fat. It’s everywhere. A dangerous predator lurking around corners, ready to jump out when you least expect it. You need to be prepared, lest you be swaddled in the blubbery blanket of the obesity epidemic, becoming yet another tragic statistic.
That’s right. It’s time to talk about why you’re fat. I know, this is going to be hard, but we're here for you.
Because forewarned is forearmed, and that's what we specialize in here at xoJane. Here are 21 things making you fat, right now.
If you watch food on TV, you're probably shoving snacks down your fat little pie-hole, because watching all that food makes you hungry, you great big fatty. And with cooking shows only growing in number, this is a scourge that isn't going away.
That's right. Just seeing pictures of food is enough to set off your fat cells. Evidently posting pictures of your food is some kind of evidence of a "deeper medical problem." Like that you're fat.
Fat, like many other social ills (see loose sexual mores, wearing Uggs, and driving fast cars), is contagious! If you hang out with enough fat people, you, too, will become fat, absorbing it like osmosis.
We all know it's easy to slump out in front of the boob tube, losing all connection with reality and mindlessly munching away, all without lifting your fat arse up for even the pretense of exercise. Netflix brings this to its logical and inevitable conclusion with a nearly infinite number of hours of entertainment, ensuring you never need to leave the couch again -- not even to go to the mailbox, now that you can get it on streaming.
See now, if you ladies would stay at home like you're supposed to and make wholesome, healthy meals for yourselves and your families, everyone wouldn't be so fat. This obesity epidemic is all your fault for insisting on being in the workplace, which of course results in everyone eating fast food and crying into their (sugary) cereal bowls at breakfast.
Atkins is dead. Long live Atkins. Carbohydrates are evil, and you should stay far, far away from their fat-inducing qualities. In fact, it's better to just not even look at them, because just seeing them is enough to make you add a few pounds.
7. Diet soda
Turning to diet soda to prevent yourself from turning into a whale? Think again, my little (big?) friend: artificial sweeteners will make you blimp out just as much as the real ones. As with everything else on this list, no one really knows why, but hell, don't let that stop you.
You know how the kitchen is supposed to be the center of the home, the welcoming space where people feel comfortable gathering? Well, IT'S A TRAP, my friends. Don't be fooled! By making the kitchen a gathering space, we're encouraging people to eat food in it, and we all know that makes people fat.
Forget what I said about carbohydrates in general above, or what you might think you know about high-fat diets. Sugar's the real culprit, people. And we already know we can't eat artificial sweeteners, so your best option is just to avoid sugar altogether to make sure your temple-like body isn't befouled.
Researchers have already identified plastics and compounds found in plastic (like BPA) as hormone disruptors. Any time you start tinkering with the endocrine system, there's a chance that you'll interfere with the metabolic processes involved in protecting you from THE FAT MONSTER!!!! So yeah, plastic is making you fat. Good luck eliminating that one.
Oh, did I say plastic makes us fat? I'm sorry, I meant a huge range of pollutants found in the environment, including those used in pesticides, herbicides, manufacturing processes, prescription medications, makeup, and more.
Now, let's be clear here: along with plastics, some of these chemicals come with serious toxic side effects including increased risk of cancer, skin reactions, and other delightful things, so they aren't exactly good news, but focusing on their fattening aspects isn't really the most constructive use of our time.
Although it does provide some important evidence to put paid to the argument that if fat people just ate less and exercised more, they'd magically be thin again. Environmental factors are a thing, people.
12. Food marketing
Oddly enough, when marketers set out to make something appealing in the hopes of making people buy it, it works! Which means that you, puny human, are easily psychologically manipulated by marketing tactics that result in you eating more food, which, of course, results in you becoming fat.
Having light at night is pretty awesome, right? We get to work and play instead of having to pass out as soon as the sun goes down. Too bad it's making us grumpy fatties! Light pollution disrupts the metabolism and endocrine system (why do bodies have to be so sensitive), which, as we all know, is a one-way ticket on the fatty train.
Much like television, the Internet is a scourge when it comes to living a healthy life, because instead of eating a balanced breakfast, you're poring over your Facebook feed (or, uh, xoJane) in the morning. If you do think to jam something in your mouth, you're probably cramming in some crappy convenience food, sprinkling crumbs in your keyboard, like the slovenly pig you are.
The weight loss industry actually kind of revolves around making you fat, because it wants repeat customers, not people who succeed and then don't need their products anymore. Calorie restriction and yo-yo dieting can interrupt your endocrine system (HEYO, AGAIN), cause future health complications (including heart conditions), aaaaaaand MAKE YOU FAT!
Gluten's one of the latest food demons (which can be a pain for people who need to eat a gluten-free diet who are tired of being accused of hopping on board with a fad), with lots of folks convinced that cutting gluten will make you lose weight. Gluten, you see, has magical properties that evidently make it a FAT MAGNET, sucking fat cells into your abdomen from the surrounding environment. I'm kidding. Sort of.
I can actually feel myself getting fatter right now. Can you? (Those of you at standing desks: shut up.) Our new sedentary lifestyles, you see, are to blame for everything from heart disease to fatness, and if you really cared about your body, you'd immediately get your bum off that chair and get, well, off the chair, at least.
Club Bounce opened to cater to fat patrons -- exactly the kind of people who might be excluded from a lot of clubs because they don't meet appearance standards set by gatekeepers. The reaction to Club Bounce was of course moral panic from people who insisted that it promoted obesity by, uh, admitting that fat people can have fun?
Seeing fat people in pop culture promotes obesity, y'all! Did you know that? Well, it's true, I swear. Just seeing people hanging around, being fat, doing their thing, is enough to start you along the slippery slope to fatness. Stay strong. Use that remote to -- wait, why are you watching television, you fatty?!
20. Plus size models
Closely related to fatties in pop culture, I'll grant you, but I'm giving them their own separate entry because after years of fighting for inclusion, and finally clawing their way to public visibility, plus size models are being slapped with accusations that they, too, "promote obesity" and send the wrong message to the public. Their very existence suggests that it might actually be okay to be fat, which will, of course, lead to everyone relaxing their standards and the desperate strangleholds they maintain on their bodies to stay thin enough to satisfy society.
And that, we know, would be a bad thing.
I'm just going to let this one stand on its own. We don't need to beat around the bush here, do we?
The most irritating thing about this list? It could have been five times longer and it still wouldn't have scratched the surface of the bizarre explanations people come up with for fatness.
Basically, if you want to avoid becoming fat, you should: not eat anything, not touch anything, not drink anything, move (but only with extreme caution), not take any medications, not work, not have any friends, not seek out any entertainment, and basically just not exist. So, you know. Good luck with that.