Dudebros have had a tough couple of years, but 2016 is really taking the cake. Between those subversive Democrats nominating a woman for president and an all-female Ghostbusters, their fragile masculinity is being upset by a gentle whiff of gender equity in the breeze. That whiff is barely discernible over the heady stench of patriarchy, but apparently gender equity is like homeopathy: A little bit goes a long way.
Unlike people taking quack medicine, however, the dudebros are bouncing back, and they're on a nonstop quest to make the world safe for men again. The latest target?
While the rest of you may know Rotten Tomatoes as a somewhat useful aggregate criticism site for film and television, apparently that's just a cover for darkly sinister forces. You wouldn't believe what goes on beyond closed doors over there. Let's just say that Crooked Hillary is definitely involved.
Take it away, Abdullah Coldwater of Alexandria, Egypt:
We need this site to be shut down because It's Critics always give The DC Extended Universe movies unjust Bad Reviews, Like
1- Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice 2016
2- Suicide Squad 2016
and that Affects people's opinion even if it's a really great movies.
Setting aside the obvious and myriad delights enclosed within this mercifully succinct petition, yes, a bunch of whiny dudebros are upset that Suicide Squad is currently rocking out a 32 percent rating, because obviously it is the best movie ever, and stuff, like, how can any reasonable person rate it anything less than 150 percent? We know it's the most amazing movie of all time even though most of us haven't actually seen it yet, because we can sense it. Our film instincts are like gophers, drawn through the Earth by the power of suggestion to destroy your tomatoes.
Batman is doing even worse, at 27 percent, which means that it is officially worse than Ishtar, which is regularly (and unjustly, truly) dredged from the deeps as an example of terrible filmmaking. That said, it's still doing better than Empire of the Ants, which is a masterwork of modern cinema. It's pretty clear that Rotten Tomatoes is biased against men, but also good movies.
In a world where everything was built by and for dudebros for millennia, some cracks in the facade are starting to appear. Men have become an oppressed minority, hounded to the dark and hidden corners of the internet, forced from their homes by harassers, dox— Oh wait, no, I'm thinking of the women targeted by Gamergate, which is bizarrely still going on? Because apparently ethics in gaming journalism are just that pressing a social issue? It's a good thing we have them around to keep people accountable, because otherwise, we'd be flying fast and loose with slipshod ethnics.
Men are getting really bitterly disappointed that everything isn't going their way anymore, despite the fact that they're living in a world where almost everything is going their way. They know what we don't, however, which is that Rotten Tomatoes is just the foot in the door, and it's about to bust things wide open. There will be women everywhere.
They will be making films, and governing, and running major companies, and practicing medicine, and presiding from the bench, and that's just the beginning of it. This entire society is about to go to hell in a handbasket and it's because we've failed to control the inexorable march of progress, er, sorry, the hordes of women steamrollering men into oblivion.
Despite the fact that women are too fragile and emotional for public life, they're insisting on inserting themselves into places they're not wanted, and they are to be firmly discouraged from doing any such thing. Like that Leslie Jones lady, who thought it would be OK to costar in a Ghostbusters reboot: We sure showed her, am I right?
Of course, Rotten Tomatoes' scurrilous attacks on Suicide Squad are really only part of the problem. Because seriously, let's talk about the Ghostbusters conspiracy, and the fact that this travesty of art is currently scoring 73 percent. 73 percent! Despite the assiduous efforts of dudebros concerned about cinematic integrity! So concerned, indeed, that they repeatedly politely communicated with critics to make sure they understood that the film was perhaps not the best ever made!
We know that Ghostbusters is an absolutely terrible film, because we have the box office right in front of us. For example, did you know that Ghostbusters still hasn't earned out its budget of a shockingly profligate $144 million? Wait, what's that? Oh, my bad, sorry, it's made $161 million worldwide in less than three weeks. Now, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice broke even earlier in its run, so obviously its low rating is the result of a feminist conspiracy, and has nothing to do with the actual quality of the film, which cost a meager $250 million.
And now they're trying to remake the 1990s with a woman playing Clinton, and I don't care what you say about that decade, it was the most glorious and sacrosanct time in history, and it's going to be absolutely ruined if we let a lady play the president. How are we supposed to get the same gritty and authentic feel as the original? Who is supposed to host state dinners? Can America survive without a First Lady's cookie recipe? I think not, and this is something that hasn't been adequately addressed.
Did you know they've spent almost $228 million on production, and they aren't even done yet? With that kind of cost overrun, how are they ever going to make the money back? That reboot of the 1950s starring Donald Trump is running much leaner — they've only spent $70 million. The low budget might affect quality a little, but believe me, the results are going to really give us that 1950s look and feel, and I know that some people think they should drop the McCarthyism subplot, but I don't have time for that kind of PC nonsense. I think it's great that they're keeping it in! I'm glad they're pushing for the voter suppression plot too, because it would really take away from the feel of the original to get rid of it. This gritty, innovative, far superior remake may be the only thing that stands between us and just, complete devastation. Total. Very bad. Believe me.
If you care about America, and I mean really care, think of the dudebros. Oppose the tyranny of film reviewers and uppity women. It's time to take this country back, before it's too late.
Photo: Jordy Vlug/Creative Commons